Time-Travel

On a blog that is about 6½ months out-of-date, I am about to crow about my excellent time-management.


I mean alright, so yesterday afternoon I did spend over an hour just trying to make one phone-call from Hong Kong Airport, and when I eventually suceeded it was to someone who I had failed to forewarn of my arrival so he didn’t have any time to meet-up with me, and all this took so long that by the time I’d made it into the city to see the sights it was dark, but…

…in my defence, upon returning to the airport, I did get my act together enough to have a shower.

After which I changed into the clean clothes in my hand-luggage and threw out the old ragged ones that I had worn for the first half of my journey, so that I would not have to lug them with me back to Europe. Oh yes, I was definitely feeling pleased with myself for that. (as I tried not to miss my next plane)

Then, on the flight, I had managed to secure another emergency exit seat with plenty of legroom. Go seatguru.com.

Also, as well as having done some Christmas shopping in Hong Kong, I had also bought some Christmas cards in order to write them on the 12-hour flight. In the event though I caught some sleep instead.

Then, while we were coming into land in London, back in Auckland the fourth of our five Uncle Travelling Jesus sketches, for which I have been providing the voice live, was being played at Cession Church. I'd smugly pre-recorded it. Go Cool Edit Pro.


Dear nephew Go-bro,

Well, I hope this postcard doesn't get Returned To Sender, because this week in Outer Space I took a tour Way Down in the "City o Love". No, not the "City of Love" – gay Paree; the "City o Love" – you know, Vegas baby, Vegas!

Well nephew, there are plenty of bright lights and questionable activities to be had by the Silly Creatures in Las Vegas, but not everything there is bad news. Did you know, for example, that in 2005 over 100,000 marriage licenses were issued in Las Vegas? You see, love is taking a hold in some places!

Anyway, while I was there I met this lovely young couple, who reminded me of another couple for some reason, but I can't quite remember who or why. Anyway, when I asked them why they were both wearing Blue Suede Shoes, they told me that in the past they had often felt Lonesome Tonight, that they Couldn't Help Falling In Love, and that It Was Now Or Never, so they wanted to be married by "The King". Hah! Well, since they had so boldly recognised who I was, I told them that I was The King, and, uh-huh-huh, I would be happy to marry the two of them. Heh.

Mind you, when they asked me to put on this strange outfit, I certainly felt All Shook Up, I can tell you.

Anyway, after I had instructed them both "Don't Be Cruel", they took their vows, said to each other "Love Me Tender" and surreally added their own promise to each other "I Just Want To Be Your Teddy Bear". Hm. And then, wouldn't you know, they asked me to sing! Ha! Well, this was clearly Too Much, so at first I said to them "Don't Treat Me Like A Fool," however when the mother-in-law protested, I acquiesced and I told her "Okay then, That's Alright Mama."

I quickly got the hang of this karaoke thing too, and when I finished off with a bangin' version of Jailhouse Rock – well, the congregation went wild!!

Anyway by the end of the week I'd married off at least 17 couples, and though a few appeared to have had Suspicious Minds at the start, I saw no-one Crying In The Chapel. Not only that, I'd got a singing gig in a nice hotel on the main street, a multi-million dollar record deal, a series of movies green-lit and, most bizarrely, a heap of copy-cats impersonating me at clubs, pubs, community centres and Wesleyan-Methodist churches. And I have never been asked to be in so many photographs!

Anyway, ahem, that's all from me in Outer Space this week nephew. Hope you are well, that the dust is not clogging your sinuses, and if you need someone to sing at your wedding, well, then "The King" is always ready to come out of retirement! Mm. Remember - whatever you are doing back home, never forget that You Are Always On My Mind.

Love, your Uncle Travelling Jesus.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

(Uncle Travelling Jesus has left the building.)
Sketch #1 of 5 here.
Sketch #2 of 5 here.
Sketch #3 of 5 here.
Sketch #5 of 5 here.

And then, after I’d got through customs, something entirely unexpected happened.

At about 6am I set foot outside of Heathrow Airport, and was instantly hit by an icy blast of freezing cold early morning December air in the UK.

Oh… yeah. London in winter. I remember this extremety of coldness from every winter up until three years ago. This would be why I'm wearing a t-shirt then.

So, after spending 15 minutes crossing a breezy darkened motorway to change a note so that I'd have the right change for the bus (because I was well-organised enough to know from experience that the driver probably wouldn't accept a note), I successfully caught the 490 from Hatton Cross Station, and made my way home once more.

7:30am.

I quietly opened my front door, and like waking from a dream registered that several things did not appear to have moved since I was last here. The long coffin-shaped box (film-prop) on the floor of my room, Herschel's DVDs of The Goodies, and two fairly disinterested cats, who ironically were waking from a dream.

This time my mother was not up yet. This was good. That meant that this time I would succeed.

This time I did wake her up with that cup of tea.