When You're Alone and Life is Making You Lonely, You Can Always Go...Down Town

It was the same tough call as always.

I was sitting on the 68 bus heading to Downtown (when you've got worries, all the noise and the hurry seems to help, I know) (Downtown) to find somewhere to move to tomorrow, holding a bun that Mrs Korea had given me just before leaving. Should I eat it and the apple now, and have nothing left for later? Only one choice, to have faith, so down it went. After all, I'd be dropping into the hostel later, and there'd likely be some grub up for grabs on the Free Food shelf.

"It's a ghost town," eulogised Donald, looking despondently over at the completely empty shelf. Indeed, the Free Food shelf had looked pretty blank for quite a while after I'd first moved in last July. Then I'd decided to trust in God to provide and it had become abundant. Since I'd left it had returned to its original condition. It's a good job that I was relying on God, and not just on some old shelf.

Just idly dropping back into the hostel is not as easy as it sounds. Everyone who I recognise, I have to stop and talk to. Freakazoid, Michelle, Lionel, Leo, Tiger, Donald, Old Carlos, Sue - these are just some of the people who today I either spoke to or slightly hurried past. Inevitably I get asked the question "Are you coming back?" and today I had to admit that it rather looked that way.

"I'll see if Kate has any vacancies in housekeeping tomorrow," I answered.

"Kate has left." Leo replied.

What??? Apparently she walked out last Thursday. All of a sudden I found I really wished that I'd taken a photo of her.

Sue was perfectly accomodating though (no pun intended), promising "If you want to come back, we'll make a place for you." Michelle duly reserved a bed for me tomorrow night, should I need it.

I slouched around the noticeboard looking at all the adverts for flatmates. They all looked fairly reasonable, but I just couldn't be bothered. I'd had an offer of a free place with friends, but I was still waiting to hear confirmation. There were so many options in my head, and I just didn't want to deal with any of them.

I didn't want to return to the hostel because it felt like such a step backwards. Life's a journey - you don't go back unless you give up on your destination. But on the other hand, maybe God wanted me there. Increasingly though I felt that God wanted me wherever whichever path I chose took me.

Having looked at the board for too long without phoning anyone, I decided I had better do something instead of nothing, and determined to walk over to Freeman's House - a Christian boarding house that Kyle had stayed at until his return to America last Christmas.

Trudging up Queen Street, I realised I had learnt 2 things about myself:

1. I cannot ever make a decision without any deciding factors. I always need a reason.
2. I couldn't recall the way to Freeman's House. It had been 6 months after all.

I sat on a bench and prayed.

The end of my year on the other side of the world was in sight. I was looking forward to going home, but I didn't want to stay there. The thing was that although I love New Zealand, I didn't want to carry on living like this. No job, no Work Permit, no home. Forever living in the present with no past that I could touch, and no evidence of my great promised future. Having faith is a great way to make God one's anchor, but if that faith only results in having to have more faith, then that faith hasn't really been delivered upon. If trust results in nothing, then logically one should not trust in that person any more. Where is the God who rattles on about how He always keeps His great promises for our future?

Numbers 11(MSG): 11Moses said to GOD, "Why are you treating me this way? What did I ever do to you to deserve this? Did I conceive them? Was I their mother? So why dump the responsibility of this people on me? 12Why tell me to carry them around like a nursing mother, carry them all the way to the land you promised to their ancestors? 13Where am I supposed to get meat for all these people who are whining to me, "Give us meat; we want meat.' 14I can't do this by myself--it's too much, all these people. 15If this is how you intend to treat me, do me a favour and kill me. I've seen enough; I've had enough. Let me out of here."

And just 23 verses later we get:

3Now the man Moses was a quietly humble man, more so than
anyone living on Earth.

It sounds as those Moses' outburst was in fact a perfectly okay and right thing for him to do. Moses placed enough importance on his relationship with God to tell Him honestly how he felt. Anything less would have been less than honest. He was angry, but he wasn't trying to hurt God's feelings.

I've had many other upset prayers since coming here, but this one was different. Anger usually involves trying to inflict emotional hurt, (which is why I refuse to ever get angry with anyone) but not in this prayer. Just honest anger.

I guess I'm making a very subtle distinction here between anger and hurtful anger.

Resuming my search for Freeman's House, I tried to find the shop Party On as a marker, but I eventually gave up and decided to return to the hostel. Then I spotted a vaguely familiar road and tried it. Then I remembered the McDonald's' offices, and then another vaguely familiar corner.

Before I knew it I was on the other side of the motorway and there: Freeman's House - Auckland's Christian boarding house. It looked, as it always has done, just like an ordinary house. Was it still open? Had it closed after Kyle had left? Grimly I wondered just how life had brought me to the stage where I was prepared to knock on strangers' doors and ask if I could stay there.

A girl I'd passed earlier came up to me and, noticing my body language, asked if I was looking for Freeman's House. Her name was Danielle, and she was staying there. She invited me in.

It turned out that there was, unusually, a party just starting, with a few people who I knew, the obligatory stranger who turned out to have previously met me, and a huge spread of hot food on offer. Result!

What a shame it was a closing down party.

Later, after alot of food, music and silliness ("What's the worst conversation-stopper you can think of?") I was crossing town back to the bus stop again.

Moses' task hadn't been changed after his outburst, but God did do something to lighten his spirits.

Nothing had changed for me either - I still had only the hostel to definitely rely on tomorrow, and no tangible evidence of my future, yet as I approached an ATM on Karanghape Road to get my fare out, I certainly felt my spirits had been lifted.

Just listen to the music of the traffic in the city,
Linger on the sidewalk where the neon signs are pretty,
How can you lose?

The lights are much brighter there,
You can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares,
So go dowwwntowwwn, things'll be great when you're,
Dowwwntowwwn - no finer place, for sure,
Dowwwntowwwn - everything's waiting for you.