Watchmen (movie)

I have mixed feelings about Watchmen.

On the one hand it looked fantastic, sounded awesome and, despite a 155-minute duration, flew by. This was no Inland Empire-esque endurance test.

On the other, there was a lot that I didn't follow, right from the start. I think the opening credits were meant to introduce us to the characters, their world, and their history. I'm afraid that I sat there trying to work out if the film was about a world full of superheroes, five individual super heroes, a super-group, or one of the above but after they had had their time. In retrospect, I think that all of those may have been true.

What makes the film special though is the uncompromising conviction of the creative forces behind it. Comicbook adaptations rarely stick to the original, but this one is so faithful that it recreates the original panels in live-action form.

Going further against the norm, it's also still set in 1985 (as opposed to having been updated to the present day), stars no big-names, and is an 18 certificate, all of which will have significantly limited its merchandise potential, along with the rest of its gross income.

In short, it's an absolute breath of originality.

So many films get driven by the same overiding motivation - money - that they tend to all end up feeling quite similar to each other.

Watchmen has a attitude all of its own, giving the impression that there is just one unique voice telling the story.

For me, seeing what an artist has created out of their own free imagination is the reason why I like fiction.

I sincerely don't know what will happen next.

With thanks to Herschel.

Afghanistat

Tonight I attended another PACT (Prayer And Action Changes Things) meeting at church.

The speaker was a guy from Tear Fund who presented a ton of information about Afghanistan (estimated population: 28 million), some of which was, as expected, correcting the News here.

Having spent a lot of time in the country, he closed his talk by inviting questions. Someone asked how many Christians / churches there were in the country. He said there was just no way of knowing, and speculated that it could well be as low as a couple of hundred.

I reasoned that he obviously meant just a couple of hundred Christian churches, but I checked with him later just to make sure. He didn't. He meant he reckoned that there might be as few as just a couple of hundred Christians.

Patch Adams (movie)

Probably the most saccharine-filled movie I've ever seen! :)

Saccharine, note, not sugar.

Patch Adams is training to become a doctor, an appropriate vocation since he seems blessed with the ability to make people laugh. Laughter equals happiness, and happiness helps heal patients.

"You treat a disease, you win, you lose. You treat a person, I guarantee you, you'll win, no matter what the outcome."

However Patch is also one of those two-dimensional characters who, despite living life on a perpetual high, never seems to go through any corresponding low. There are two points in this film when he does get sad, but neither is the result of his extreme euphoria.

While I do believe that it's possible to generally choose joy over sadness, nowhere here does Patch seem to be practising this decision. The script presents us with someone who just is constantly elated, and never seems to encounter the insecurities and hurt that the rest of the world has to get over.

The film's message is one that we can all hold onto - make the world a happier place - but with little realism to the character, it also makes this look unachievable.

Today's celebrity Bible-reader is... Frederick Joseph Flintstone

Is there any god like GOD?
Are we not at bedrock?

- 2 Samuel 22:32 (Message)

Finding Nemo

Pixar have done it again.

Well, actually they did it again about seven years ago.

In fact, I nearly went to see this film at the cinema upon its UK release in October 2003, but I didn't. I forgot Finding Nemo and spent the next six years just trying to find the time. Now that it's January 2010 in my living-room however, well, try and stop me.

Finding Nemo is funny, warm, has a good easy-to-follow story, and looks like 94 million bucks. It's packed with perfectly executed sequences, that are as funny as they are exciting.

All the characters are endearing, particularly Crush the sea turtle (above), whose central message of taking a few risks in life is one that Disney doesn't come out with very often. I do think they could have tempered that lesson a bit - neither Nemo nor Marlin learns to disintinguish between dangerous and too dangerous - but overall the whole thing is inspiring.

Those seagulls are genius too.

I'd forgotten just how great animated movies can be.

What a find.

With thanks to Herschel.

Superman and Bat Man - Heroes Against Hunger: A Song Of Pain And Sorrow!

Plotted by: Jim Starlin
Plot Assist & Character Designs by: Berni Wrightson
Edited by: Robert Greenberger
Cover by: Neal Adams & Dick Giordano
Cover Logo by: Gaspar Saladino
Back Cover by: Bill Sienkiewicz
Writer: Jim Starlin, Cary Bates, Elliot S Maggin, Paul Levitz, Mike W Barr, Michael Fleisher, Bob Rozakis, Roy Thomas, J M DeMatteis, Robert Bloch, Robert Loren Fleming, Marv Wolfman, Tony Isabella, Gerry Conway, Barbara Randall, Andrew Helfer, Dan Mishkin, Len Wein, Ed Hannigan, Mindy Newell, Steve Englehart, Joey Cavalieri, Paul Kupperberg, Doug Moench
Penciller: George Pérez, Paris Cullins, Denys Cowan, Jan Duursema, Keith Giffen, Ross Andru, José Luis Garcia-Lopez, Carmine Infantino, Marshall Rogers, Berni Wrightson, Joe Brozowski, Sal Amendola, Curt Swan, Barry Windsor-Smith, Ernie Colón, Walt Simonson, Eduardo Barreto, Dave Gibbons, Jack Kirby, Tony Salmons, Dan Jurgens, Joe Kubert, David Ross, Jim Sherman
Inker: Kim DeMulder, Tony DeZuniga, Val Mayerik, Alfredo Alcala, Joe Staton, Klaus Janson, Jerry Ordway, Murphy Anderson, Karl Kesel, Mike Kaluta, Gray Morrow, Jim Aparo, John Byrne, Jeff Jones, Terry Austin, Steve Leialoha, Romeo Tanghal, Bruce Patterson, Al Milgrom, Tom Mandrake, Bill Wray, Joe Rubinstein, Howard Chaykin, Greg Theakston & Alan Weiss
Letterer: Helen Vesik, Carrie Spiegle, Helen Vesik, Duncan Andrews, John Workman, Agustin Mas, Milt Snapinn, John Costanza, Bob Lappan, Bob Pinaha, Albert DeGuzman, Todd Klein, Andy Kubert
Colorist: Daina Grazanus, Michele Wolfman, Gene D'Angelo, Carl Gafford, Anthony Tollin, Tom Ziuko, George Roberts, Liz Berubé, Nansi Hoolahan, Tatjana Wood, Joe Orlando, Adrienne Roy, Bob LeRose

And that's all we have time for tonight - goodnight!

Doctor Who: The Waters Of Mars

Broadcast on Sunday 15th-November-Day, and coming after the last two holiday specials, the above Radio Times cover inevitably made this upcoming episode look like a late-run Halloween edition.

In fact it was neither, being set on 21st November and about the now everyday invasion of Earth by zombies.


This time everyone's being taken over by the water.


Using internet news-pages as exposition is an interesting idea, whether or not they are flashbacks of pages that the Doctor has earlier read, but hardly smart for a story set in the year... 2059. There are also flashes of pages from many years after this episode, and the layout still looks identical.

I guess they must actually be shots of some unchanging foreign-language pages in the future, or some alien computer-system complete with Earth-dates, both of which would be consistent with Doctor Who's usual English translation-convention.

Anyway, the actual plot goes nowhere, and for that reason is an unusually good one. All the overwhelming emotional content is new Who is often at the expense of the plot's cohension, so for that reason I think the simple tales tend to fare better. Here it all gives David Tennant the time to do some deeper stuff with the character.

This is a Doctor Who story in which the Doctor fails. He knows that he's going to fail at the outset, and that everyone is going to die. He could try to save their lives, but in this instance that would seriously mess-up humanity's future. (it never seems to occur to him that different humans might just go on to explore space instead)

There's a terrific long sequence in the middle when he tries to leave the doomed Bowie Base One on Mars and let history run its course. For quite a while he just stands in the background watching everyone else losing the battle for their lives.

Doctor: (to himself)"...ohhh... I really should go..."

The Doctor has always been a great moral character, always committed to doing the right thing. Even Colin Baker once said in an interview that his tetchy Doctor was always driven by the 'rightness' of things.

Never has this been better portrayed in this episode, when the Doctor is confronted with two right courses of action, but just can't decide which one is the righter.

His logic is telling him that he should leave, while his emotions / instincts are telling him that he should stay. He's standing still because taking either decision would mean not doing a right thing. The heaviness of his ambivalence is compelling.

Does he stay or go, do they live or die?

At enormous length, his instinct wins.

When he at last gets stuck in and tries to save those few who are still left, once again the emotional content chokes the actual story, as the tightness of the episode's editing becomes the enemy.

The Doctor doesn't have enough time to save the remaining three colonists, but in the final scene back on Earth, he has somehow managed to get them all into the TARDIS in no seconds at all anyway. Not much point in putting that countdown in there then, was there?

And then it all falls apart, right at the very end.

Yes, yet another guest-character sacrifices their life, for the flimsiest of reasons. If I might point out the obvious, taking your own life takes ENORMOUS motivation, rather more than just a few words from some complete stranger. Had Adelaide been a guest-character for a whole series or something, then she might have built-up the necessary faith in the Doctor's claims, but hardly on the same day as meeting him. Good grief - none of us would make it past 20.

However this ending also promises great things. (and I'm not just talking about the peace of no incidental music for an entire one minute and 50 seconds) Flushed with success at having both saved the three survivors and hopefully kept history intact, the Doctor goes a bit mad.

Doctor: "Yes, because there are laws, laws of time, and once upon a time there were people, in charge of those laws, but they died. They ALL died. Do you know who that leaves? ME. It's taken me all these years to realise, the laws of time are MINE, and THEY WILL OBEY ME."

At last - I've been waiting for this to sink in ever since Father's Day. It would be great if we now had a set of episodes with the Doctor exploring this freedom and discovering what he can now get away with doing to time.

But he'll probably just keep on meeting zombies.

Overall though, a fantastic episode.

Lastly, would you like to see just how far gone BBC Presentation now are?


Yes, those credits are now in a box in a box in a box in a box.

Now that's scary - maybe they meant to show it on Boxing Day?

Tiling Ourselves Into A Corner

I am currently playing internet Scrabble with Brian. As you can see, we have 38 tiles remaining, to be fitted into 26 squares...

The Magic Roundabout (2005 UK movie)

It's such a double-standard.

I'm talking about the way in which movie-companies will purchase the rights to a well-known property, only to then ostracise those customers who the expensive brand-name attracts.

The excuse is always the same - the fans of the original are just a minority, the big bucks are with today's audience who have never heard of it before.

Um, wasn't that a bit of a waste of money then?

Go on - have the courage of your convictions and make something new, without paying all that cash merely to subtract from your audience.

After all, everybody knows that remakes are almost always universally-derided turkeys.

There are two common stumbling-blocks for remakes:

1. being true to the original, and

2. being a good film in their own right.

The films that achieve both tend to be very rare, and very popular, eg. Star Trek.

I thought that this 2005 remake of French TV's classic 1960s-90s series Le Manège enchanté only slightly attempted to do either.

The thing is, the old TV series that we originally got in Britain - The Magic Roundabout - was itself a remake, but it was not true to the original.

The BBC bought the footage from France, but failed to cough-up the money for the scripts, so British vocal artist Eric Thompson just had to make-up all the names, personas, dialogue and plots. Often, he didn't seem to much bother with that last one, resulting in a reputation for being surreal. This system was so successful that, when Nigel Planer took over the job, he chose to continue under similar constraints. There was no attempt made to be faithful to the original French series, so no one had any problem with the brand new world that Thompson had created.

Had the British-language 2005 CGI remake that I watched this morning also been inspired wholly by the original French material, then it could have been fine.

But it wasn't. This British-language version also tries to use Eric Thompson's British character names, along with vague characterisations. Unfortunately they don't seem to really remember the old show...

For example, Dougal doesn't sound anything like the old Dougal - he really sounds like Brian. (poor casting) Dylan makes drug-references at every opportunity, something which, despite popular urban myth, he didn't in the original. (poor research) Brian (the snail) and Ermintrude (the cow) fall in love. (poor, just, really, poor)

One can look upon this film as a third interpretation of the world of The Magic Roundabout, equally inspired by both the preceding French and English versions. In other words, an original film in its own right.

Unfortunately, considering it as a film in its own right, I didn't like it either. The story didn't work for me, the animation looked cheap, and the dialogue like a first-draft. Ironic really. First-draft dialogue was fine for the old daily TV show, but not in the cinema.

For example, at one point Brian the snail remarks that it's the "end of the line." It's a comment that a second-draft should really have given to the train character. However throughout this film, little struck me as having had much effort put into it.

The really incredible thing is that when the UK version was going to be released in the US, most of the British dialogue was then replaced with a US script for American actors, creating a fourth world. They even took the British name Dougal and mistifyingly respelt it Doogal.

In the light of such creative determination, the UK version has really very little defence for its apathy. If it was attempting to be true to Eric Thompson's version, then it needed a much more carefully written script. If it was attempting to be a brand new version, then it needed a much more carefully written script.

Whatever the reasoning, kids today deserve more effort than this. As a big kid who watches a lot of kids' films, I found it even more hideous than I was prepared for, and that's knowing beforehand how much it had already been panned. BTW, in case you reckon it wasn't made with a 38-year-old audience-member in mind, I'm sure I don't need to remind you that almost all kids' films these days are made for adults too. See my earlier comment about Dylan's many substance-abuse references in this.

Finally, in contrast to the actual film, The Magic Roundabout (2005) does have one thing going for it - an absolutely lovely trailer.

It's here.

Watch this, it's sheer magic. Or un enchantement. Whichever you prefer.

(review of Pollux Et Le Chat Bleu / Dougal And The Blue Cat here)

Music For Biscuits - Lost Advertising And Rare Film Sounds by Mike Sammes & The Mike Sammes Singers

Words fail me.

Just how do I describe the unique sound of Mike Sammes and the enchanting Mike Sammes Singers?

Well, you've already read from the title that we're in the world of yesteryear's advertising jingles, so to put that into context let me explain that these tracks come predominantly from the 1960s.

Think girls harmonising, think electric organs with drums, think echoing xylophones, think loungey cornets and cheery tempos, think animated TV sports credits, think dancing sheep, happy sheep, sheep animated at four frames per second playing ring-a-roses with butterflies fluttering gaily past...

There - words didn't quite fail me.

Better yet, think Pink. Think day-long confidence, think lever dominance, think every store ablaze with massive floor displays, think pink... think Pink Marble Shield.

You getting the idea yet?

I know, I'll let the back of the CD do the work for me...

"This CD is a touch jazzy, a little insane, wonderfully scatty and dangerously addictive. You'll be singing these hooky little tracks for years to come..."

I can well believe it...

You're the tops, you're a tasty winner,
For a snack, breakfast, lunch and dinner,
You're the tastiest thing on toast at any time,
You are cheese, you're chicken, you're ham, you're turkey,
You're made by Heinz...
(You're made by Heinz!)
You're sublime, you're what toast was made for,
You're divine, what the family crave for,
You're all the things on top of toast we like...
And when toast is on the bottom...
You're the tops!

But even if the joys of Heinz Toast Toppers are not your thing, there's something on this album for everyone. For example, have you considered purchasing a new tractor recently?

Hitting a new high - the new Hydrostatic,
Four five-four, five-seven-four,
Biggest tractor-news in years,
No more need for changing gears,
Hitting a new high - the new Hydrostatic,
Four five-four, five-seven-four,
Tractors with the easy touch,
No more gearstick, no more clutch,
Just one lever does the trick,
So very smooth, simple and quick,
One little lever satisfies all needs,
Giving an infinitely variable choice of speeds,
Hitting a new high - the new Hydrostatic,
Four five-four, five-seven-four,
They work harder - you don't,
They work overtime - you won't!
International leads the way, with
Dramatically new,
Hydrostatically new,
Tractors of tomorrow...
Todaaay.

The hour of joy that this CD contains is tempered by the sleeve-notes. They tell the sad story of music-publisher Jonny Trunk's attempts to track-down Mike Sammes, only to instead learn of his very recent death, and find himself bizarrely standing in the man's house as his life's recordings were awaiting collection to be destroyed.

"Gordon was again insisting I take anything I wanted, and was still adding to the pile he had started for me next to the front door. There was a certain urgency about Gordon, and he really kept passing things to me - 'have it, take it, just take it cos it's all going... it's all being destroyed'."

It's a tribute to God, the human spirit and/or the wonderful world we live in that out of such a tragic event as a man's death, events can conspire to bring forth such an unashamedly happy-sounding CD as this one.

Goodnight Mike Sammes, and thank you for having so much sincerity.

Buy it here... NOW.
Related album reviews:

Stand By For Adverts! by Barry Gray
Hymns A'Swinging by The Mike Sammes Singers

Spider-Man And Zoids

Part 1 of 5: INTRODUCTION:

You gotta feel sorry for Spider-Man And Zoids.

From 1986-1987 it was a British weekly comic that ran for 51 issues before folding. Yes - 51. Its first birthday was also its end.

Worst. Anniversary issue. Ever.

Yet I think it's fantastic that the title even existed in the first place, albeit for such underwhelming reasons:

1. It resurrected from the dead Spider-Man Weekly, which had died a tragic living-death almost a year earlier. For the first 13 issues it was even cover-labelled Vol.2 / II!

2. Zoids had already run for 8 weeks in the centre-sheet of Spider-Man Weekly's spin-off Secret Wars Featuring: Zoids. However with upcoming issues of that title about to be filled with full-length Secret Wars II reprints, the backup strips were going to get squeezed out. Marvel UK needed somewhere else to tell their brand new stories of the blue and red robots who were also available as model kits.

Call me cynical, but it looks as though this new comic only happened due to a 12-month arrangement with Zoids-manufacturer Tomy UK, but I'm just speculating. I've since heard great things about Grant Morrison's run writing one of the earliest Zoids universes, but I never read it at the time. I didn't like Zoids. You see, no matter how hard they tried, they just would never be Transformers.

3. Comic-mergers are always scary for readers of both titles. This comic merged in its very first issue. Right from the off, Marvel UK apparently didn't reckon that either brand was strong enough to sell a series on its own, hence their uneasy buddying-up. In all 51 issues, Spider-Man never once met any Zoid. The coupling of Spider-Man Weekly with a toy-franchise from another company, with a strip set in a different universe, never sat comfortably with me. It was hardly the shared interest of Spider-Man And Hulk Weekly.

4. It was half-based upon a sadly out-of-date business model. While the Zoids stories couldn't be bought anywhere else, the original US Spider-Man comics were easily available in the UK these days, often in the same shops, so British readers no longer had much need to buy a second-hand reprint series. Which is probably why...

5. Although their names came the other way around in the title, Spider-Man And Zoids always smacked of being a Zoids comic, which also carried cheap Spider-Man reprints as filler. Indeed, the brand-new Zoids stories are the lead strip in 47 of the 49 issues that I have been able to research for this review, and are the focus of about half the covers.

Anyway, as you may have already suspected, this short post is not about the Zoids strip. It is about those cheap reprint fillers concerning the web-slinging title-character.

Part 2 of 5: OVERVIEW:

For those of us who collected this series on its merits of being Spider-Man Weekly rising from the grave once more, the choice of Spidey reprints was excellent, even if the order they were presented in proved less so.

In its later days, the old UK Spider-Man comic had increasingly sought to concentrate on the superhero's self-contained stories. They would make sense in any order. The stakes were never very high in those, incapable as they were of affecting the long-term future, but Spider-Man And Zoids took the opposite view. In almost every single issue, it chose to reprint the complex web of Spidey's ongoing soap opera.

Yes! Now this was what got kids like me constantly wanting to read the next issue!

Or would have done, had I not already collected these now years-old stories in their original US publications. It's that out-of-date-business-model problem that I mentioned in the introduction above. Although I bought Spider-Man And Zoids almost every week throughout its almost-year-long-run, I never read it.

Occasionally though, like tonight, I do have a bit of a flick through my collection, reflecting as usual on Marvel UK's well-established paradox when it comes to reprints...

With such excellent source material, however did they manage to present it so, um, creatively?

But I'm not about to lay into them for these editorial changes 25 years after the event. Instead I'll just present a quick list of which US Spider-issue each UK weekly reprinted, along with the odd highlighted mutation. Just so as you get the general idea of how the overall storyline looked to anyone following this saga purely in the UK printings.

Part 3 of 5: ISSUES:

#1-#16 - reprinting The Amazing Spider-Man #256-#261
Backup strips: Sectaurs (#1-4), Fantastic 4 (#5-11), Star Wars - The Greatest Space Fantasy Of All! (#15-#16)
An outstanding opening run of 16 issues introducing the Puma, re-revealing the alien costume's agenda and advancing the Hobgoblin / Rose mystery.

Having left the Vanisher in prison for a year at the end of Spidey Comic #666, the web-spinner has foolishly started wearing his alien symbiote costume again, apparently forgetting its malevolent intention to permanently graft itself onto his skin. (recounted a year earlier in Spider-Man Weekly #633) It comes as a complete surprise to him when it tries to pull the same stunt again.

Meanwhile in other news, Liz Osborn is pregnant with her second child. She, Harry and their first child (born in the aforementioned #633) must be very happy.

Spot the difference: US original on the left, UK reprint on the right:

I can't believe Jameson's already left that nice girl who he married less than 18 months ago circa Spider-Man Weekly #614... and has got remarried again so soon!

From the other perspective, Issues #10-11 cut out most of Mary Jane's backstory, however since she and Pete never got as far as their wedding in the UK (as far as I know), this turned out to be a real timesaver. (Hang on, hasn't their marriage been retconned out of continuity in the US too now?) Alas, this gigantic edit did render the story's title - 'All My Pasts Remembered' nonsensical, so it was adjusted to the equally nonsensical 'The Day The War Began!'

And just while we're on this subject, issue #1 also had its title changed from 'Introducing... Puma!' to 'Back From The Secret Wars... And Back Into Action!'

Issues #1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 and 8 all came with free Zoids and Transformers stickers. Though it's specified nowhere, #5 additionally featured a free pencil-top! Why they didn't hold this over for two weeks so that the freebie-less issue #7's cover could get damaged as well when removing it is anyone's guess.


Fig. 1: My free Spider-Man pencil top. David's copy contained a Darth Vader one!

#17-23 - reprinting The All New, All Daring Peter Parker, The Spectacular Spider-Man #107-110
Backup strips: Star Wars (#17-22)
A mind-blowing seven-issue epic as Spidey teams-up with Daredevil to solve "The Death Of Jean DeWolff". Its adult content - including Betty's infamously brutal shooting - got this story increasingly trimmed down.


Fig. 1: US original above, UK reprint below

The final issue - 22 pages long in the States - here was compressed to just 12½. However they didn't cut Pete's exchange with Matt Murdock regarding his apartment's recent fire.

The final panel of the new British ending was definitely spookier than the American one though - just who was that on the end of that mysteriously ringing telephone in the third and final panel? Brrrrr.


#24 - reprinting Peter Parker, The Spectacular Spider-Man #99-100
61 pages in the US, compressed over here into ten.

Peter's girlfriend Felicia sews him a duplicate of his alien black costume, apparently forgetting that she's already done this for him a year earlier in-between Spider-Man Weekly #632 and 633. Apparently this delusion freaks-out poor Pete so much that he ditches her the very next day, although we don't see any of that conversation.

As in the US, Felicia never actually gives him the cloth costume, which is fine in the UK continuity because, as mentioned above, he already has one.

After the recent fire, Pete's apartment now looks fine. I guess he must have painted and redecorated it. Maybe Mary Jane helped him.

#25-26 - reprinting Web Of Spider-Man #1
Spider-Man's final battle with his alien costume, and the first third of his dealings with the Vulturions. In the US Spidey basically had the same battle with the Vulturions three times, so I think this trim was a wise move.

#27-32 - reprinting The Amazing Spider-Man #275-276
Backup strips: Star Brand (#30-32), Thundercats (#32)
Nathan Lubensky returns home from hospital after having been beaten-up because Pete wasn't around to protect him. Elsewhere, Flash Thompson is framed as the Hobgoblin and goes to prison. Also, Peter recounts to Mary Jane the whole of the very first Spider-Man strip from Amazing Fantasy #15. This flashback goes on for so long that it has an episode break in the middle!

These are great days though - issue #31 comes with a free Marvel Super Heroes Secret Wars sticker album!

#33-36 - reprinting The Amazing Spider-Man #273
Backup strips: Star Brand (#33-36)
You may have noticed a New Universe backup strip sneaking-in and starting from issue #30. Why, being so far behind in reprinting the Marvel Universe, someone saw fit to begin work on chronicling another one is beyond me. By which I mean that I salute their optimism. This month, issue #35 even saw a guest-appearance by Spitfire And The Troubleshooters!


Fig. 1: It looks like Spider-Man meeting Captain Drew Heller from Zoids and Ken Connell from Star Brand. Is this cover the very first Marvel / New Universe crossover?


Now, surely they could have just written in there "See Spider-Man And Zoids# 17-23 for details"?

Unlucky Nathan Lubensky has been admitted to hospital again. No-one actually says why, but I think he's been beaten up a second time. If I'm right, then it's no wonder that no-one knows quite what to say to him.

Can't blame Peter for not being around to protect him this time - poor Pete's apartment has suffered another fire, this time due to having been torched by a street gang. Fortunately Mary Jane helps him to paint and redecorate it to look... exactly the same way as it did seven weeks ago in #29.

And then the Beyonder shows-up. To be continued in Secret Wars II #71!

From #36 the readers' "Letterline" page returns under the inspired new name "Red & Blue Views".

#37-40 - reprinting Web Of Spider-Man #13
Backup strips: Star Brand (#37), Strikeforce: Morituri 'We Who Are About To Die' (#38-40)
After all that painting and redecorating of Pete's apartment in the last story, by this one that gang have torched and wrecked it a third time. Sheesh, life in New York.

#41 - reprinting The Amazing Spider-Man #274
Backup strip: Strikeforce: Morituri 'We Who Are About To Die'
Continued from Secret Wars II #71! Really? So... when did the last four episodes take place? I think they meant to say that this latest issue runs-on from SWII#76. Another run-in with the Beyonder, anyway.

#42-49 - reprinting The Amazing Spider-Man #280-281
Backup strips: Strikeforce: Morituri 'We Who Are About To Die' (#42-45), Secret Wars II Epilogue... (#46-49)
The 'Secret Wars II Epilogue...', which runs until the penultimate issue, is actually a reprint of The Avengers #266.


Flash Thompson escapes from prison and goes on the run, concluding that storyline. Meanwhile, Spider-Man suffers a serious head injury and cliff-hangingly collapses on top of a building at the end. But surely he's okay, he must be, it's not as if they're about to cancel his comic or anything...

#50-51 - reprinting The Amazing Spider-Man #271
Backup strip: Secret Wars II Epilogue... (#50)

Spider-Man's collapse from his head-injury last week seems to have been really serious, as he's now completely forgotten that it ever happened.


And after all that I'm missing the final issue, so am indebted to David for helping me to fill in some of the blanks.

As #51 solidly reprinted the remaining 15 pages of ASM#271, I assume that Mary Jane convinces Pete to repaint and redecorate his now fairly respectable-looking apartment all over again, MJ's boss acts all mysterious, Lance Bannon oddly sets off Pete's spider-sense at the Bugle, Ned and Betty have a row... and Aunt May asks Peter to keep an eye on the reasonably healthy looking Nathan Lubensky when he goes out tonight. Well, you'll never guess what happens.


So, that's the way the whole series ends, with Aunt May blaming Peter and shutting the door in his face, and his standing there bleakly reflecting on the hopelessness of being Spider-Man. Sheesh, being a super hero is just no fun any more.



Part 4 of 5: IN SUMMARY:

The wealth of first-class Spider-Man stories from this era made this a series well worth publishing. If only the same issues could have been presented in the correct order. (which I reckon would have been #1-16, #24-26, #37-40, #17-23, #50-51, #33-36, #41, #27-32, #42-49) Perhaps if they had planned it a little better at the start.

The opening 16 issues stuck fairly rigidly to Tom DeFalco and Ron Frenz's excellent work in Amazing Spider-Man, and aside from covering the end of Peter's relationships with the Black Cat and his alien costume, that's really the source they should have stuck with more. At the comic's closure there weren't that many US issues to go until the reveal of the Hobgoblin's identity, and even Peter and MJ's wedding. Perhaps with just a few more weeks, and a couple less detours, Spider-Man's weekly 14-year storyline in Marvel UK could have closed a little more satisfyingly.

That said, one reader wrote to the letters page to ask why the Hobgoblin was the villain so often, and couldn't we have a few different baddies in there from time to time?

I personally think that the British reprints had three big advantages over the US originals:

1. They were bigger.

2. The printing was better and more colourful.

3. Rather than running three series concurrently, they had the opportunity to sort the various chapters and panels into chronological order and print them as a single ongoing narrative. I'd love to get an ordered collection like that of such a sprawling world as Spider-Man's, and this was how, as a 15-year-old comics fan, I really wanted to rebuy the issues that I already had.

Still, wonderful episodes all, whatever order you read them in. There are just no stinkers anywhere.

Add to that a Zoids strip that everyone who remembers it today seems to say they loved, and Spider-Man And Zoids comes out as a 51-issue success right across the board. Even the second-backups have looked appealing as I've been going through writing this review. Truly, this seems to have been a series that could do no wrong, even when it was printing huge incomplete story-arcs in reverse order.

Part 5 of 5: EPILOGUE:

So, why was it cancelled?


Apparently because Zoids was too popular for it.

It's tragic that the planned Zoids Monthly doesn't seem to have ever gotten off the ground. I understand that the unpublished first issue is floating around somewhere on the net, and if issue #50's editorial is to be believed, it "chronicles the struggle to cure Griff's amnesia and the long-awaited arrival on Zoidstar of Sclater and his band of mercenary soldiers".

Marvel UK seem to have had two great properties here, but ultimately wound up with neither of them.

Maybe they should have left this great weekly comic the way that it was.


:)

The Spectacular Spider-Man #165-167: Knight And Fogg / The Deadly Lads From Liverpool / A Misty Kind Of Memory

Script: Gerry Conway
Art (#165-167): Sal Buscema
Art (#165): Stan Drake, Andy Mushynsky, Jack Abel, Mike Manley, Tom Morgan and Keith Williams
Lettering: Rick Parker
Color: Witterstaetter & Dell 'Orto (#165), Bob Sharen (#166-167)

'Allo, 'cor blimey, an' stone the bleedin' crows, me ol' shiner - well if it isn't Mister Spiderman 'imself, back in merrie olde Blighty for another cup o' char with the King. (Gawd bless 'im)*

(*Translation: This issue, Spider-Man visits England again, this time in 1990.)

So, where will it be orf to this time, guv'ner? The 'aaases o' parliament? The Taaaw'r o' Big Ben? Criminey, I know - 'ows abaat catchin' a yella cab f'r half a thr'penny-shilling-bit straight from London Airport daan to the local coal-mine?

Well, heh-heh, actually I jest. Yes, I've fooled you all. The cab actually costs him two-bob.

I suppose that Spider-Man could have travelled around London by bus, if only he had been able to recognise one...


Just what the heck is that - a caravan??? It even has the doors on the right-hand side!

Yes, the unrelenting intensity of the Americanised British stereotypes and clichés in these issues is truly a wondrous thing to behold. Just how many can you find in the next two panels? If you're not sure, then ask a cheery bobby on his beat to help you out.



Answers:

1. The policeman utters the phrase "Right! What's all this then?"
2. The phrase "Oh, rawther!"
3. The phrase "Very good".
4. The phrase "old man".
5. The phrase "Here, here!"
5. The phrase "Nicely played, mate, nicely played!"
6. The word "mate" inside the phrase "Nicely played, mate, nicely played!" (I say this all the time)
7. The phrase "Oh, my, yes, very." (?!?)
8. The relentless rain!

In upcoming panels, Spider-Man progresses through the wet to what the narration names as "Scotland Yard". (meaning New Scotland Yard) Here the bowler-hatted Inspector MacDougal (sic) offers the lad some scones, pours him some tea from a china teapot, and kindly tells 'im the story of those two hooligans Mr. Knight and Mr. Fogg. Said tale twice includes the exclamation "ach".

But don't let me mislead you, for Spider-Man does not remain at "the Yard" in London for long. Oh no - for he quickly moves onto Leeverpoool.

There he falls into the Mersey and loses his memory, before having another fight in the rain with the aforementioned Mr. Knight and his ethereal partner Mr. Fogg. (who's fortunately coloured differently to all the actual British fog around him)

Meanwhile back across the briny blue in New York, on the set of the TV soap opera Secret Hospital, Mary Jane has to cope with her ongoing social life without Peter. Yes, a suave cad calling himself "Jason Jerome" is already moving in on her. He even takes her out in an old-fashioned horse-drawn cart, driven by a man in a top hat, apparently to subtly compare with the world of the main storyline, the bounder. However since the evil Mephisto will later retcon MJ's marriage to Peter out of continuity, none of that is worth reading now. The stakes just aren't the same.

'Ere now Mephisto - lately, you've been a bloody bore.

(bowler hat tip: Herschel)

The Knights Of Pendragon #5: Hope & Glory (1990)

Writers: Dan Abnett & John Tomlinson
Pencils: Gary Erskine
Inks: Andy Lanning
Colours: Helen Stone
Letters: Annie Parkhouse
Editor: Steve White
Managing Editor: Jenny O'Connor

A politician recently rode his bike into work to make a point about reducing carbon emissions.

What he's really remembered for though, is how his assistant followed behind him the whole way in the car.

That's the thing about telling everyone else how to live better - no matter how valid the facts, the argument can only be as righteous as the perception of the person saying it.

In 1990, the publishers of the first series of The Knights Of Pendragon had a similarly ecological agenda to their storyline, but they were prepared to put their money where their mouth was.


Woo-hoo! Now that's a good idea. I like this comic already. Even the advert on the back is for joining the fight to protect the dolphins.


The chief protagonist in the story seems to be our old friend Dai Thomas - the police chief previously obsessed with bringing-down Captain Britain.

Sadly, aside from the name, Dai's characterisation here is quite unrecognisable from that earlier strip. I appreciate that one of the comicbook genre's strengths is its ability to transform a familiar character over a long period of time, but this guy doesn't even look like the Dai I remember.

He's clearly lost a lot of weight now. (so maybe he joined a gym) He has a pony-tail now. (so maybe his hair grew a bit long and unmanageable) He has super powers now. (so... maybe he... uhh...)

All right, I'll make my point and then shut up. Here's Dai Thomas nearly five years earlier in Captain Britain #14, cover-dated Feb '86:


And here he is in this, cover-dated Nov '90:


That is so not the same guy!

What's really developed though, is his outlook. Dai has found a better channel for his energies than misguidedly ridding the world of superheroes. Now he's trying to save the environment.

Dai: "Wake up, Braddock! Look at this Hellhole that used to be rainforest - cleared for scrub-pasture to feed the world's craving for hamburgers! Did this government care about the forests? That without the oxygen they provide, the whole bloody planet could suffocate and die? No. They care only about their own national debt! Look around you, boy - at the world your visionless leaders created. A world where rain is poison and sunshine is death."

While this conviction is laudable, Dai's subsequent speculations about a deal existing between man and nature subtract credibility from his argument, mainly because they are too unfamiliar. However this is the Marvel universe, so those beliefs actually turn out to be true. But the underlying principle still stands on our Earth too.

Finally, despite the point that I just made about Dai's rejuvenated new-look, the artwork throughout this is spectacular. The pencils, inks and colours all collaborate to form 21 truly stunning pages.

Even page 22 - the final one - looks awesome, despite having one fairly major drawback.

All the faces in this issue are drawn with shading and detail that effortlessly communicate each character's individual angst. Except Captain Britain's.

He's saddled with wearing a mask over most of his face, and that doesn't lend itself so easily to conveying emotion. When, in the final splash panel, the Captain accidentally kills Dai (yes - Dai dies), I found the effect to look unintentionally comical.


Good thing he's blatantly not 'our' Dai!

The Ultimate Bible Fact & Quiz Book by Martin Manser

This book contains an incredible 3,915 questions on the Bible, broken-up into 21 themed chapters, each of which closes by listing some trivia. ("Dew is mentioned 36 times in the Old Testament.")

Each quiz itself is just 15 questions long, which fits neatly onto a page with the answers up-side down at the bottom. Like this:


(In a group, this can make it a tad tricky for the question master to take part)

Inevitably, the Bible being a somewhat subjective text, some of the answers are disputable, but this opens up those questions to discussion by those taking part. What's so bad about that?

A few of the lists don't seem to have been proof-read, with the result that answers are sometimes given-away by an earlier question, or at least hinted at by the Biblical order in which they are arranged.

Miraculous Events quiz #10 (which we did tonight) offers the following:

2. Who saw Peter and John laying hands on people and asked if he could buy this ability to give the Spirit?

A. Simon.

6. What did Peter say to Simon the sorcerer as he tried to buy the Holy Spirit?

A. May your money perish with you, because you thought that you could buy the gift of God with money.

7. True or false? When Jesus healed ten lepers, only two came back to thank Jesus.

A. False. Only one came back to thank Jesus. (Luke 17:16)

9. What was distinctive about the healed leper who returned to thank Jesus?

A. He was a Samaritan.

10. What did the Psalmist say took place in the land of Egypt, in the region of Zoan?

A. Miracles.

11. At what time of day did the first miracle recorded in the book of Acts take place?

A. At three in the afternoon.

Also, as you can see, it doesn't tend to reference where the answers can be found in the Bible, or which translation has been used. (both the NIV and KJV are credited at the start)

Like the Bible itself, this is a book that is more likely to be randomly dipped-into than worked through in order.

Bearing that in mind, though we've all had fun with this book, it is a shame that there's no general knowledge chapter.

Good, educational, fun.

And available here.

The Sarah Jane Adventures: Mona Lisa's Revenge

The best element of this one is the sub-plot about Luke falling-out with his mum Sarah.

It's only over something as mundane as his messy bedroom, but the conflicting focuses that he's expected to maintain take us a little deeper into Luke's own personal lot, as opposed to those of any other stressed teenager.

Luke: "I don't know what you want from me. You say you're trying to give me a normal life, but when I act like a normal teenager you want me to be perfect again - the way the Bane made me."

The thing that hits home hardest about this scene is that the above dialogue is delivered in an incredible 41-second break from the drowning incidental music that usually suffocates this show. For a moment, it seems like drama. When the piano comes in at the end of the scene, it actually works, because it's in contrast to the plain room atmos that's preceded it.

There are some other occasions when it lets up in this too, and the music also sounds more like real instruments than synthesised ones. It's a welcome relief from all the usual noise.

Elsewhere in the soundtrack to part one, Elisabeth Sladen gets a terrific scene with the inanimate computer Mr Smith. Often Sladen has to fight her corner with the other players and make her whole performance bigger, but here she's performing on her own and much more subtle. This, too, works better than usual.

Mr. Smith: "Are you unwell?"

Sarah: "No, I'm fine Mr. Smith. It's Luke."

Mr. Smith: "But Luke has perfect health - that is how he was made by the Bane."

Sarah: "Yes, I know - the perfect human being. But nothing stays perfect forever, does it?"

Mr. Smith: "I'm sorry, I'm not sure that I understand."

Sarah: "Luke isn't ill, he's growing up."

Mr. Smith: "I believe it is a normal part of breeding patterns in most species."

Sarah: "Yes, I know. And I've tried so hard to make Luke's life as normal as possible. In a way it helped make mine a little more normal too. Before I met Luke, who was I? The lonely, frosty woman in the big house, who knew more about creatures from outer space than she did humans."

Mr. Smith: "I've always considered the intricacy of human nature excessively complicated in comparison to most other life-forms."

Sarah: "You and me both, old friend. And being a mum is just about as complicated as it gets. Most parents have years to get used to it - I'm still finding my feet, and already I'm realising that, one day, it's going to be over. One day Luke will be gone. One day, perhaps, very soon."

Alas, Mona Lisa's Revenge actually turns out to be Sarah's story off this series, although in turn this provides another good chance to see the kid-cast handling a case on their own.

Unfortunately, in terms of believability, this tale is about as close-to-the-line as the Doctor Who universe can get, without quite going over it.

London's International Gallery has acquired the Mona Lisa, and Clyde's won an art competition, to which the prize is for his whole class to go on a field trip to see it before anyone else.

If that's uphill work to read, then bear in mind that it looks like it was uphill work to plot as well.

At the gallery, artwork is coming to life, specifically the evil Mona Lisa of the title. Quite how a few paint molecules can assemble into such a greater, heavier mass of different elements and walk around is beside the point. This is science-fiction, or at the very least, fiction, so anything can happen. Including turning real people into a few strokes of paint and trapping them within pictures. (hence Sarah's absence for part two)

If all that doesn't sound throwaway enough, the story's biggest millstone is the nagging expectation that, as with most Who stories these days, someone is going to build a machine five minutes before the end that simply reverses everything that's happened so far.

Indeed, in a sluggish piece of pacing, this is exactly what ultimately happens. A small pencil drawing of K-9 is turned into a life-size metallic replica of him, who then simply wags his ears and utters the words "Maximum pigmentation dispersal."

Clyde: "Everything it did is being reversed."

Thanks Clyde.


The most watchable thing in this tale is Drop The Dead Donkey's Jeff Rawle as gallery bigwig Lionel Harding. I tended to find the plots of that show to be quite thin too, but here Rawle's comic performance is a delight to watch from start to finish. He really knows how to milk the comedy of every line, and he has a facial expression for every occasion.

Harding: "I told them security had to be improved here! I told them! After that Cup Of Athelstan fiasco at Easter! Ohhh, my beautiful Mona Lisa... the French will have my head!"

I couldn't help thinking what a good Doctor Who he could make...

Snow, with speculation spreading from the press...

Homeward Bound II: Lost In San Francisco

This morning I watched Homeward Bound II: Lost In San Francisco - the live-action sequel to the remake of the movie adaptation of the book. ("The Incredible Journey" - two dogs and a cat trek across America to get home)

I'm impressed that the original author is still getting such a large credit.

Although duplicating its predecessor's plot, this outing did manage to get Robert Hays back onto an aeroplane again, although sadly without his famous drink problem.

There are some great lines in this...

At one point, there's a small pup who looks like Scrappy Doo protesting "Lemme at 'im! Lemme at 'im!" (the other animals they meet can talk in this one)

At another, the aging retriever Shadow mutters "I'm too old for this stuff", which I think is a family-friendly nod to the Lethal Weapon series.

But the top line surely has to be Robert Hays' declaration barely five minutes into this pet-pic:

"I still think it's crazy to fly three animals half way across the continent to some camping trip."

After that remark, this film cannot possibly fail to deliver upon expectations.

Return To Splendor - The King

Cover versions of famous songs are usually disappointing.

It's not generally their fault, it's just that they haven't a hope of fulfilling what the listener really wants to hear - the original.

Not so with this artist. We're not listening out of warm familiarity with the earlier version. We're listening because we want to hear Elvis.


When this tribute album of songs that Elvis never recorded kicks-off by launching straight into the five-minute Sympathy For The Devil, complete with Elvis monologue towards the end and faux-improvised remarks ("C'mon honey - what's mah name?"), there's no doubt that Return To Splendor is right up there on a par with its jubilant predecessor Gravelands.

Bearing that in mind, I still think that the first album just has the edge, but this is probably because, as of this date, I've only listened to this follow-up CD once. All that familiarity with the recordings hasn't developed yet.

Inevitably I guess my favourite numbers at this early stage therefore look to be the ones with which I have the greatest existing connection. Everybody's Talkin', King Of The Road and - surely a track that many Elvis fans would like to hear him perform - Crazy Little Thing Called Love.

Go on - imagine in your head now how he'd croon that ballad. That's it - that's what it sounds like. So now you don't need to get the CD. Except that you do, for the awesome way he finishes it. (I can't make out what they've changed the backing vocal "ready Freddie" to)

Once more, the diversity of the songs is one of the album's strengths. He really throws himself into You Got It, while Everybody's Talkin' has him practically yodelling along to the instrumentals. Under The Bridge even sounds reggae in places.

The inclusion of the classic What A Wonderful World is likewise another inspired choice.

The only minor room for improvement here lies in the forgivable use of synthesisers in place of a few real instruments (why shouldn't Elvis be using these today anyway?), the absence of a hidden bonus track (I sort of expected one after the last album), and the over-use of throwaway remarks between lyrics. I think that just the odd remark here and there would feel more believable than filling-up as much time as is available, and avoiding re-using the same quip on different tracks would sound more authentic too.

Oh, and still no gospel track. :( (Child Of A Preacher Man doesn't quite make it)

Still, this is not a sequel, but an equal.

This was released in 2000. Is it too late to still hope for a third album sometime?

Available to sample and buy from Amazon here.
Track listing:

1. Sympathy For The Devil
2. L A Woman
3. Under The Bridge
4. The House Is Rockin'
5. Whole Lotta Love
6. You Got It
7. Everybody's Talkin'
8. Sweet Home Chicago
9. Child Of A Preacher Man
10. King Of The Road
11. Crazy Little Thing Called Love
12. Pretty Vacant
13. Hoochie Coochie Man
14. Take Me Home, Country Roads
15. What A Wonderful World
16. Little Ole Wine Drinker, Me

Excalibur Special Edition: The Sword Is Drawn

Writer: Chris Claremont
Penciler: Alan Davis
Inker: Paul Neary (with special thanks to Mark Farmer for assistance)
Letterer: Tom Orzechowski
Colorist: Glynis Oliver
Editor: Ann Nocenti
Assistant Editor: Terry Kavanagh
Editor In Chief: Tom DeFalco

The trippy adventures of Captain Britain continue in this weird fusing of both Marvel UK and Marvel US.

Let me clarify: by 'weird' I mean that this international crossover is executed astonishingly well. How unexpected is that?

Excalibur follows on from Marvel UK's Captain Britain Monthly, whilst also picking-up the pace from recent issues of Marvel US' Uncanny X-Men. This is surely down to the perfect choice of writer - Chris Claremont. Not only was he the one who'd first created the good Captain, he'd also spent the last decade in charge of the writing on X-Men. Surely his must have been the only name on the list.

(If nothing else, it's easier to follow than CB Monthly...)

Not only that, but British artists Alan Davis and Paul Neary were retained for the mag too, ensuring that the visual tone of the piece, though now colour, remained consistent with the preceding monochrome CB strips. If Davis' work had looked stunning before, then now it was positively psychedelic.

Just look at that cover above!

The Union Jacked Captain has remained somewhat broken by the world, buried with a bottle and Meggan in his lighthouse, and now devastated at the apparent death of his sister Elizabeth. When Meggan vanishes too, it's up to surviving X-Man Nightcrawler to perform an intervention.

Nightcrawler: "What is WRONG with you, man?! Friends are in danger-- among them, the girl you supposedly love--- doesn't that matter... don't you CARE?!"

Captain Britain: "'Course I do. It's just-- what's the point? Save them now to watch them sacrifice themselves later. We're supposed to be heroes-- but we never really make things better. We have no lasting effect-- on people or the world."

Oh yes, that's Captain Britain all right...

What really seems to be unhinging him is his mortality. CB has already died once, and now doesn't know whether the next time will be final or not.

(like any of us do)

I love it when super heroes get depressed. There's a real sincerity about admitting their limitations and being crushed by them, and I can't help but wonder if the Cap's real problem is that he's overthinking the whole thing. He's never going to know what will happen to him when he next dies until he actually does, so maybe he should reign his thoughts in and just get on with the present?

Nightcrawler's attitude seems to be along similar lines, accusing Britain of focusing on his death to the extent of no longer being able to see his life.

By the end of this issue, Cap's had the distraction of fighting another battle, along with the shot of winning it, and though that doesn't answer any of his longer-term worries, it sure does make the present a nicer place.

The Uncanny X-Men #217-218: Folly's Gambit / Charge Of The Light Brigade

Writer: Chris Claremont
Artists (#217): Jackson Guice & Steve Leialoha
Artists (#218): Mark Sylvestri & Dan Green
Letterer: Tom Orzechowski
Colorists: Oliver & (#217) Scotese

Author Chris Claremont appears to have spent part of his life in Scotland.

Narration: "This time of year, this close to the top of the world, the nights are long, the days mostly twilight. Roughly 500 miles from the arctic circle, the air is raw, searing the lungs and shocking the system fully awake with the first breath. It hurts... yet, perversely, it also feels good."

This somewhat personal account segues two scenes featuring the star of our two-parter - Alison Blaire, aka the Dazzler.

I say it like that perhaps because I'm the sort of forgetful reader who needs these namechecks, especially since every time I see this character, she seems to be drawn differently. I'm not aiming that at any artist in particular, just all of them except the very first one. There really should be some more continuity to this girl's appearance.

After all, comic-readers love continuity and, by extension, crossovers. These make all the isolated stories seem a lot more believable. After all, real life has oodles of continuity, and crosses-over into other people's real lives all the time.

The Marvel Universe is astonishingly good at this, particularly in the mid-1980s era that I've been reading recently. I guess I shouldn't really have been so surprised then, when issue #218 featured not just Dazzler, whose Secret Wars II crossover I'd recently read in October, but also the jammy Longshot, whose entire mini-series I'd perused about a week later.

AND Elizabeth Braddock, now calling herself Psylocke, after her adventures with (and without) her brother in Captain Britain Monthly, also enjoyed late last year. Unexpected one that - she had arguably become the property of Marvel UK by that point.

AND THEN I spotted Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart off of Doctor Who...


Also to be uncovered like Easter eggs, are Sergeant Benton, the Juggernaut, a line about Captain Britain, and even Edinburgh's Dark Carnival science fiction and fantasy bookstore. (I assume it was a real shop)


All in all, Chris Claremont seems to have been writing about whoever and whatever made him happy.

I sincerely hope so. I think that's usually the best attitude.

Maid In Manhattan

I watched the first half of this nearly six years ago, when it made very little sense to me.

Now that I've finally got around to watching the other half, I can see why.

The axis on which this outing rotates is that senatorial candidate Christopher (Ralph Fiennes) cannot recognise hotel maid Marisa (Jennifer Lopez) each time she puts on a particular dress.

Sorry, call me male, but I still can't see how that's supposed to change her face. Even Clark Kent at least wears glasses.

Consequently, when Christopher falls for Marisa while she's in the dress, but barely even notices her in her overalls, he immediately comes across as quite shallow. Surely Marisa deserves better? Well, she does seem to have a bit of a problem with lying to him, so maybe not.

It also can't be ignored that, aside from the odd brief exchange, Christopher and Marisa only really meet two or three times in the film. Maybe that explains the former's difficulty in recognising the latter, but it also sabotages any sense that they've really fallen in love. We've been watching them both for the whole movie, sure, but they haven't.

I guess it could be love at first sight, but only when she's wearing another woman's clothes. Hrrrm.

Anyway, having spent the night together after the second time they haven't quite gone out (approaching the end of the film now), there's a moment when another character recognises Marisa because she's mistakenly still wearing the same... necklace.

I do think that this could have worked. For example, if the party scene had been a fancy dress, with Marisa wearing a mask or a lot of flashy make-up. Likewise, throughout the walk in the park, Marisa could easily have been wearing a large paper bag over her head.

In summary, there are two quite absorbing films buried away in here. One is about Christopher's senatorial campaign, which Stanley Tucci absolutely steals as his manager. The other is about the relationship between Marisa and her young son, also played well by Tyler Posey.

Christopher and Marisa are two characters who clearly have what it takes to makes a romantic comedy work, but perhaps with a less literally blinding prejudice to overcome, and a bit more time to meet each other.

Gravelands - The King

If Elvis were alive today, what tributes might he be singing to departed music giants?

Some of the answers are on Gravelands - an astounding album, comprising entirely of songs by sadly deceased composers, and performed, um, inimitably by 'The King'.

Right from the opening track - Nirvana's Come As You Are - the agenda is clearly set-out. None of these tracks are parodies. The production-values go all-out to make each piece a valid standalone recording regardless of how bizarre the whole crazy idea might sound out of context.

The result is an album that could well have been produced in a parallel universe where Presley himself still lives.

Inevitably much of the success of this release depends upon the guy filling the blue suede shoes. (Don't step on them BTW) It's highly tempting to review this CD as though it had actually been recorded by the sneakily-still-alive Elvis himself, yet continuing the joke would seem to diminish the credit that the actual performer surely deserves.

Far from playing it as the stereotype who we all think of, this crooner underplays much of the album with all the nobility and respect of the original. Equally, he booms the loud ones, and flies with many of Elvis' oft-forgotten high notes too.

All in all, he sounds close enough to the original for my imagination to take me that last step of the way. Also, whatever little he might lack in authenticity, he more than makes up for in sincerity, right down to the odd jokey off mic aside. "I hear ya, I hear ya honey."

As a result, several tracks can easily be passed-off as containing the original performer, particularly sixties numbers like I Heard It Through The Grapevine and Dock Of The Bay.

Many of Elvis' genres are covered in here - his early work, his unplugged recordings, his metally 1970s stuff, and perhaps unintentionally his last years. Even Elvis didn't sound like Elvis all the time, and from that perspective this guy's uphill battle on Joy Division's Love Will Tear Us Apart just about makes it through okay.

Towards the end, the well-structured album sneaks in a few 'live' concert recordings, reaching their apex with a belting performance of AC/DC's Whole Lotta Rosie, relaxed beautifully afterwards by the peace of the piano-accompanied New York, New York.

Aside from the synthesised instruments, if there's anything this album really lacks, it's the inclusion of a good gospel number, which is a bit of a shame as that's my favourite Elvis genre. With about 100 such songs recorded, I suspect that it just might have been his too.

Alas, we're unlikely to hear any new albums from Elvis for a bit yet, however when he eventually does make it back, these are 17, well, 16 songs that he won't need to worry about.

Available to sample and buy from Amazon here.
Track Listing:

1. Come As You Are
2. Love Will Tear Us Apart
3. Song To The Siren
4. Whiskey In The Jar
5. I Heard It Through The Grapevine
6. Blockbuster
7. Sweet Home Alabama
8. Working Class Hero
9. Something Else
10. All Or Nothing
11. Twentieth Century Boy
12. Dock Of The Bay
13. Piece Of My Heart
14. No Woman No Cry
15. Voodoo Chile
16. Whole Lotta Rosie
17. New York, New York

Review of the follow-up CD Return To Splendor here.

Mother Teresa Of Calcutta

Writer: David Michelinie
Penciler / Colorist: John Tartaglione
Inker: Joe Sinnott
Letterer: Rick Parker
Story: Father Roy Gasnick, QFM
Editor: Tom DeFalco
Editor In Chief: Jim Shooter

Every so often, Marvel Comics turn their talents to championing a real-life super hero.

Blessed Teresa Of Calcutta, as she's now called, is world-famous, and her lifelong service of others legendary, so what better public figure to celebrate in an educational biomic?

Everyone does a fine job in this 1984 publication - David Michelinie's tight dialogue enables Father Roy Gasnick's story to cover a tremendous amount of ground in the 48 ad-free pages available. (all her international travel probably kept Michelinie happy too)

John Tartaglione's pencils and Joe Sinnott's inks convey an intensity and bleakness throughout the nun's life, cramming a huge amount of detail into the environments in which she existed. There are crowd-scenes a-plenty in this, and Sinnott's attention to facial muscles and shadows do a tremendous amount to bring out the real-life high emotions.

And yet, it is still a Marvel comic. Perhaps the style of the Marvel genre was a hard thing to shake...

For example, every Marvel Comic super-hero needs a new name, and mild-mannered Gonxha Bojaxhiu is no exception.



With the new identity of course comes a costume, and just look at the awesome way in which Marvel can't resist introducing it: (I can hear Stan Lee™'s voice narrating it now...)


And the nature of The Menial Mother Teresa™'s uncanny super powers?




And the general public who she serves so tirelessly? What do they make of her? Well, unusually enough (irony intended) for the Marvel Universe, some of them actually consider her a menace.


Once she has procured a different top public hideout, the amazing missionary continues to follow the well-trod path of the typical all-American, sorry, all-Albanian super-heroine. She makes the cover of TIME Magazine, teams-up with another hero (the Pope), and even has a stand-off in 'the third world' against Dr. Doom. Well, apart from the bit about Dr. Doom.

The most extraordinary thing about this comic though is that, barring no-prize material like the Pope's identity, it is generally all true. I could write something here about the real-life lady, but if I'm honest, I know little more than what's in this comic.

What I do know that is not covered in here, is her lifelong struggle with whether or not God actually exists, which I think is evidence of someone sincerely searching for the truth. As a Christian, I can certainly identify with that, and her early angst (portrayed here) regarding just what on Earth God wanted her to spend the rest of her life doing.

I did hear the story a few years ago of how she'd once stood-up at a meeting of several world leaders and got them all to pray together. None of them had the guts to refuse her. Her humility, in having given up so much, was apparently too powerful for them to resist.

I find a profoundly inciteful lesson in that anecdote alone, and it's nice of this comic to put it into some context for me.

Still gutted that it didn't all happen following a paper-cut from a radioactive Bible though.


Available here.