Waikaremoana Jones And The Quest For The Lost Holy MacGuffin, Chapter Two

The original script to episode two, performed twice at Cession Church today. The subtext this time was to relate covenants to "Community Vision & Mission". I did have a joke about events in Cairo taking place in cairological time, but I had to cut it, ironically for time reasons. In retrospect, it also occurs to me that I should have given Crystal the surname "Palace"…

(episode one here)


Waikaremoana Jones And The Quest For The Lost Holy MacGuffin, Chapter Two

MUSIC.

ANNOUNCER. Thrills! Excitement! Adventure! Another exciting archaeological escapade with Waikaremoana Jones! This week: Waikaremoana Jones And The Quest For The Lost Holy MacGuffin! Part Two!

Last week, as you recall, Waikaremoana Jones uncovered an ancient scroll, which foretold that he would find the lost holy MacGuffin in Cairo, in the crypt of the unknown guest-star. But he had no sooner read the prophesy, than his adventurous assistant Crystal turned out to be working for the other side... the Nazis!

MUSIC FADES. AS END OF EPISODE ONE – JONES HOLDS THE SCROLL AS CRYSTAL POINTS HER GUN AT HIM.

JONES. O M G – she's a German! I should have suspected after this happened in both services last week.

CRYSTAL. And now, Vaikaremoana Jones, hand over zee scroll, or I shall kill you!

JONES. (BRAVELY) No. I'm going to do nothing. Because I've read the ancient prophesy on this scroll. And it said that to fulfil the prophesy, find the lost holy MacGuffin and save the world, I had to obey its instructions. That suggests that I might have to commit myself to trying to make it come to pass.

HE POINTS BEHIND HER.

Look over there! It's a young Barney The Dinosaur!

CRYSTAL. (LOOKING BEHIND HER) Huh?

JONES WRESTLES THE GUN OFF HER AND, TREATING HER LIKE A MAN, KNOCKS HER UNCONSCIOUS.

JONES. (TO AUDIENCE) Whew. That was close. I could have been killed! Now I'd better get out of here and get to Cairo before OSH finds out about this.

MUSIC. POCKETING THE GUN, JONES PUTS A HELMET ON AND MIMES AS THOUGH PILOTING A PLANE. CAN WE GET A SIMPLE MAP ON THE SCREEN WITH A PLANE FLYING ACROSS IT? I CAN DO THIS AND EMAIL IT IN.

ANNOUNCER. And so, Waikaremoana Jones gets in his pre-world war two aircraft and flies west across the Arabian Sea, the Red Sea, and the Mediterranean Sea (he got a bit lost) all the way to Al-Qahirah in Egypt, better known to you and I as... Cairo!

MUSIC ENDS. JONES STANDS UP AND WALKS SLOWLY ACROSS STAGE CARRYING A TORCH.

JONES. Well, I've arrived in Cairo, where the people seem very friendly. Of course, that might change now that I've just broken-into the crypt of the unknown guest-star. According to the ancient prediction, it's somewhere here that I should find the lost holy MacGuffin.

HE GASPS AT A BOX ON THE GROUND LABELLED "THE LOST HOLY MACGUFFIN".

And here it is! (TO AUDIENCE) That was about a week earlier than I was expecting!

HE STOOPS TO OPEN THE BOX, BUT RECOILS WHEN CRYSTAL APPEARS BEHIND IT, POINTING A SWORD AT HIS FACE.

CRYSTAL. So, Waikaremoana Jones, I have been expecting you.

JONES. Crystal! But - it isn't possible!

CRYSTAL. Why – because you thought your pathetic fisticuffs had left me for dead?

JONES. No, because I left you behind and came here by the shortest route, at the fastest speed, in the quickest possible time. It is literally impossible for you to arrive here before me.

CRYSTAL. No it's not, you got lost.

JONES. Oh yeah. Wait a minute, how did you know I got lost?

CRYSTAL. (CONFUSED) I'll explain later. As for now, prepare to die, again, Waikaremoana Jones!

JONES. Wait! (HOLDING SCROLL) I've still been promised that I will be ultimately successful in this battle. You're not named in it at all.

CRYSTAL. No, you invalidated your claim on that when you didn't leave the cave when it explicitly instructed you to. Now neither one of us is named in it, which means that you and I have an equal chance at victory.

JONES. (EXAMINING SCROLL) Hmm. (THOUGHTFULLY) Since you are about to kill me anyway, you might as well tell me your plan.

CRYSTAL. Very well. First, I am going to kill you. Then, I am going to use the lost holy MacGuffin's awesome power to take over the world for der Vaterland. And then finally, I am going to wipe your entire disgusting country of New Zealand off of the face of planet Earth. The only evidence I shall leave behind that New Zealand ever existed, shall be the town of... Rotorua!

JONES. (TO AUDIENCE) She's baaaaad. (READING THOUGHTFULLY) "You MUST obey the instructions in this letter. Work WITH this letter, for the good of the world, and the people around you." But in this instance, in order to serve the good of the world, I have to sacrifice the good of one of the people around me. Well, if there's one thing I learnt from the end of the last episode, it's that I mustn't be passive about this. I must be active! (TO CRYSTAL) Look over there – it's the Balloons Over Waikato Festival!

WHILE CRYSTAL LOOKS ROUND, JONES QUICKLY RETRIEVES THE GUN FROM HIS POCKET, BUT CRYSTAL LOOKS BACK AGAIN TOO QUICKLY. SHE USES HER SWORD TO KNOCK THE GUN FROM HIS HANDS, AND THEN STRIKES HIM WITH IT. JONES DIES ANOTHER LONG, PROTRACTED, OVERACTED DEATH. AGAIN, CRYSTAL LEANS OVER HIM, TAKES THE SCROLL AND CHECKS HIS PULSE.

CRYSTAL. Dead. Farewell, Wairakemoana Jones! (TO HERSELF) No, no this doesn't seem familiar in the slightest.

MUSIC.

ANNOUNCER. Oh no! Is Waikaremoana Jones really dead? Will the evil Nazi Crystal rule the world? Tune in next week, same Waikaremoana-time, same Waikaremoana-church, when you'll hear Dr Jones say...

JONES FEEBLY RAISES HIS OTHER HAND, GAGS, AND COLLAPSES DEAD AGAIN.

ANNOUNCER. Yes, that's all next week on Waikaremoana Jones And The Quest For The Lost Holy MacGuffin!

(episode three here)