Waikaremoana Jones And The Quest For The Lost Holy MacGuffin, Chapter One

I miss my church in Auckland quite a bit, so it's always heartening when they get in touch to ask for my continued involvement.

This time it was for a series of three Indiana Jones-inspired sketches, to break the ice on the subject of covenants. The idea had already transformed into the adventures of kiwi archaeologist "Waikaremoana Jones". Since Indie's adventures were originally inspired by Saturday-morning adventure serials, I decided to take those as my starting point too. The resulting scripts were probably closer to the panto of 'Allo 'Allo than anything else, but I thoroughly enjoyed the old thrill of hammering-out a melodrama-parody to such a tight deadline again.

Week one's service was specifically going to concentrate on how covenants concern our relationship with God. I've no idea how much of my submission actually made-it through unedited to performance at Cession's two services today, in fact I'm not even certain who the actors were (though I understand that Jacob narrated it), but I guess it went something like this...


Waikaremoana Jones And The Quest For The Lost Holy MacGuffin, Chapter One

MUSIC.

BRITISH ANNOUNCER V/O. Thrills! Excitement! Adventure! Another exciting archaeological escapade with young Waikaremoana Jones, in... Young Waikaremoana Jones And The Quest For The Holy MacGuffin!

ENTER WAIKAREMOANA JONES IN LEATHER JACKET WITH BULLWHIP, AND HIS ASSISTANT CRYSTAL WITH A SPADE. CRYSTAL TOILS AWAY DIGGING A HOLE IN THE GROUND. JONES SITS WRITING IN HIS MACGUFFIN DIARY.

JONES. "Saturday 15th February 1940. Dear MacGuffin Diary. I can't believe I've started writing-down every single word that I think. What makes this seem really pointless is that I'm saying it all out loud too. I've really got to stop this process of...

TURNS PAGE.

... continual self-narration. I was going to buy one of those big reel-to-reel tape-recorder thingies made by AMPEX, so that I could record myself, but since AMPEX aren't going to develop them for another seven years, I felt that would be too anachronistic. It's bad enough that 15th February 1940 wasn't actually a Saturday. It was a Thursday. In fact, now that I think of it, Crystal's digital watch seems a bit out of place too.

CRYSTAL PAUSES, CHECKS THE TIME ON HER DIGITAL WATCH, AND CONTINUES HER EXHAUSTIVE DIGGING.

But hey – that's all in-keeping with the unbelievable series of events that have led me – archaeologist adventurer Waikaremoana Jones - and Crystal – my feisty assistant who I keep arguing with even though we both secretly fancy each other - here to this deserted cave in India in 1940. Wait a minute – I said that out loud too. That means she probably heard me.

CRYSTAL. In your dreams!

JONES. (CONTINUES WRITING) I knew there was a reason why I decided not to ask her to take this by dictation. Anyway, according to three mysterious holy men we encountered, buried somewhere in this cave is a millennia-old scroll, which contains an ancient blessing for the finder. We have to unearth it before those pesky Nazis get here and find it first. That's why I've organised for Crystal to dig-up this entire cave, while I fill-out all this much harder paperwork. Crystal!

CRYSTAL. WHAT?!

JONES. Dig faster!

CRYSTAL. GRRRRRRR!!!

CRYSTAL THRUSTS HER SPADE INTO THE GROUND AGAIN AND WE HEAR IT HIT SOMETHING METAL. SHE AND JONES BOTH GASP AT EACH OTHER AND LOOK AT HER FEET. JONES HURRIES OVER AND TOGETHER THEY LIFT-UP A CYLINDRICAL EARTH-COVERED ARTEFACT AND DUST IT OFF. IT'S A COKE CAN.

JONES. Okay, do some more digging then. Come on! Our Indian Work Visas aren't going to last forever!

CRYSTAL CONTINUES DIGGING. JONES RETURNS TO HIS SEAT AND GOES TO SIT-DOWN, BUT STOPS. HE LEANS DOWN TO WHERE HE HAS BEEN SITTING AND PICKS-UP THE ANCIENT SCROLL, (CAN BE JUST A FOLDED-UP PIECE OF PAPER) WHICH HE HAS BEEN UNKNOWINGLY SITTING ON / JUST NEXT TO ALL THIS TIME.

JONES. Er... oh. Crystal! I've found it! I've found the ancient prophesy!

SHE JOINS HIM AS HE UNROLLS IT TO READ.

CRYSTAL. I don't understand. It's all written in some indecipherable ancient language.

JONES. No, that's Welsh. And I should know – my surname's Jones. It says (READING) "To the finder of this scroll, boyo. I have seen the future, see, and it is set in stone, like. I have even witnessed the moment at which you find and read this letter.

JONES AND CRYSTAL GLANCE NERVOUSLY AROUND THEMSELVES AND SHIVER.

JONES. (STILL READING) "Stop shivering. You – Waikaremoana Jones" – (TO CRYSTAL) it knows my name! – "are going to go to Cairo, to the crypt of the unknown guest-star. There you will discover the lost holy MacGuffin – an ancient artefact that will bestow awesome power upon its finder. But you MUST obey the instructions in this letter. Work WITH this letter, for the good of the world, and the people around you. Go now, quickly. Now! I said go NOW! Stop reading this letter and go NOW! All right, that's it - if you're not going to bother doing what I say, then there's obviously no point in my writing any more." Oh, he seems to have stopped writing at that point. Quickly, Crystal! We gotta get outta here and fly all the way to Cairo before the Nazis catch us and get hold of this!

CRYSTAL. (IN THICK GERMAN ACCENT) I'm afraid zat you are only half-right, Herr Jones!

SHE PRODUCES A GUN AND POINTS IT AT HIM. JONES LOOKS HORRIFIED AT THE AUDIENCE.

JONES. O M G – she's a German! I should have suspected when we went to that bar and she started singing The Birdie Song.

CRYSTAL. And now, Vaikaremoana Jones, hand over zee scroll, or I shall kill you!

JONES. (BRAVELY) No. I'm going to do nothing. Because I've read the ancient prediction on this scroll. No matter what I choose to do, I will defeat you, find the lost holy MacGuffin and save the world. Even if you pull that trigger, the gun will malfunction or something. You cannot change the future – it's been foretold.

CRYSTAL FIRES THE GUN. JONES SCREAMS AND FALLS TO THE GROUND, DYING A LONG, OVERACTED DEATH. CRYSTAL APPROACHES HIM AND CHECKS HIS PULSE.

CRYSTAL. Dead.

SHE PICKS UP THE SCROLL AND HOLDS IT VICTORIOUSLY.

Farewell, Doctor Vaikaremoana Jones. I'll see you in heck.

EXIT CRYSTAL. JONES REMAINS LYING ON GROUND. MUSIC.

ANNOUNCER. Oh no! Is Waikaremoana Jones really dead? Will the evil Nazi Crystal rule the world? Tune in next week, same Waikaremoana-time, same Waikaremoana-church, when you'll hear Dr Jones say...

JONES FEEBLY RAISES A HAND, GAGS, AND COLLAPSES DEAD AGAIN.

Yes, that's all next week on Waikaremoana Jones And The Quest For The Lost Holy MacGuffin!

(chapter two here)
(chapter three here)