Waikaremoana Jones And The Last Crusade For The Lost Holy MacGuffin, Chapter Three

The original script to episode three, performed twice at Cession Church today. The subtext this time was to relate covenants to "Each other as Partners in the gospel".

Chapter 1 here.
Chapter 2 here.


MUSIC.

ANNOUNCER. Thrills! Excitement! Adventure! Another exciting archaeological escapade with Waikaremoana Jones! This week: Waikaremoana Jones And The Last Crusade For The Lost Holy MacGuffin! Part Three!

Last week, as you recall, following the instructions of an ancient scroll, the intrepid Waikaremoana Jones and the evil Nazi Crystal were confronting each other in a crypt in Cairo, where they were each on the brink of finally discovering the lost holy MacGuffin of power...

MUSIC FADES. JONES AND CRYSTAL STAND AS AT THE END OF EPISODE TWO, WITH CRYSTAL POINTING HER SWORD AT JONES.

JONES. (READING SCROLL THOUGHTFULLY) "You MUST obey the instructions in this letter. Work WITH this letter, for the good of the world, and the people around you." But in this instance, maybe in order to serve the good of one of the people around me, I have to sacrifice the good of the world? Hmm, that doesn't sit well with me, but what the heck – the opposite way didn't exactly work out. (TO CRYSTAL) Crystal! I'm going to help you!

CRYSTAL. (STUNNED) What???

JONES. Well, if there's one thing I learnt from the end of the first episode, it's that I mustn't be passive. But if there's one thing I learnt from the end of the second episode, it's that I mustn't be active. Therefore, to be faithful to this ancient scroll's promise, I must be neither passive, nor active. I can't think of a way of doing neither, but I can think of a way of doing both. So, long story short, I'm going to have to help you defeat me. That way I'll be both passive and active. Go on – run me through.

CRYSTAL. You're... not going to fight?

JONES. No. There's the box containing the lost holy MacGuffin. Go on – kill me and take it. Rule the world. Enslave it. I encourage you. Oh, stop wasting time, look, give me the sword.

CRYSTAL. No!

HE TAKES THE SWORD OFF HER AND TRIES TO STAB HIMSELF WITH IT, WITH ONLY CRYSTAL STOPPING HIM.

CRYSTAL. You are not committing suicide on my watch! It's new and it's digital!

SHE GETS THE SWORD BACK OFF HIM.

CRYSTAL. You will stay alive long enough to witness my victory! (SHE GETS THE BOX CONTAINING THE LOST HOLY MACGUFFIN) Behold, Waikaremoana Jones! I hold ze box containing ze key to all power in my hands. How does it feel to realise you have failed? Do you not tremble with fear at the knowledge that I am superior?

JONES. You've forgotten something.

CRYSTAL. What?

JONES HANDS HER HIS GUN.

CRYSTAL. Oh, you're determined to make this no fun at all. But anyway – Behold: The lost Holy MacGuffin!

SHE OPENS THE BOX, AND LOOKS INSIDE IN HORROR. THEN SHE SLOWLY LOOKS AT JONES. JONES SLOWLY GETS UP AND WALKS OVER TO LOOK IN THE BOX TOO. HE LOOKS CONFUSED. HE PRODUCES THE SCROLL AND RE-EXAMINES WHAT IT SAYS.

JONES. Ohhh, I guess I must have mistranslated the ancient prophesy. I thought it said that we were to go on a quest for the lost holy MacGuffin. The very MacGuffin used by Jesus of Nazareth himself. I suppose I didn't notice this smudge here. It seems that we’ve actually been on an international feature-length quest for the lost...

HE GETS IT OUT FROM THE BOX.

... mouldy McMuffin.

THE BOX CONTAINS A MOULDY MCMUFFIN FROM MCDONALD'S. JONES AND CRYSTAL LOOK AT EACH OTHER. THEN THEY BOTH LAUGH AND FREEZE, LIKE AT THE END OF POLICE SQUAD. MUSIC.

ANNOUNCER. And so once again the world has been saved from the forces of evil by the plucky adventures of Doctor Waikaremoana Jones! See you next time, special archaeologists!