The Indecisive Ambivalent-Man™

Had another sketch performed at Cession this morning and tonight. I originally wrote this for BBC Radio, (when it wasn't supposed to have such a strong message!) but after Brett had improved, updated and kiwified it a bit, here's what made it onto stage down under:

SUPERHERO MUSIC.

NARRATOR. Slower than the Super 14, less powerful than Marcus Lush, more indecisive than the Democratic Primary...look - sitting on the fence, standing at the crossroads Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Yes, it's Ambivalent-Man.

Yes, Ambivalent-Man. When mild-mannered Lucas George accidentally cooked two meals for himself in his faulty microwave oven, the escaping gamma radiation, through a miracle of science, transformed him from a young decisive entrepreneur into...The Ambivalent-Man!

FANFARE.

NARRATOR. Now wherever there is dogmatic resolution to be fought and new direction to be opposed, there will always be...Ambivalent-Man!

MUSIC CONCLUDES.

Tonight's episode: Diffidence of Disaster.

Our non-adventure begins at the City Bank, where even now that no-good confidence trickster Dedalus Sert, has incapacitated the local bank manager, Mr Xavier Position (TIED TO CHAIR).

XAVIER POSITION. [YELLS OFFSTAGE] You'll never get away with this! You may have tied me up and be about to make off with the contents of the entire bank vault, but I warn you, Ambivalent-Man will be here at any moment, and then you won't be so sure!

Look! What's that figure at the window?

It's Ambivalent-Man! I might be saved!

ENTER AMBIVALENT-MAN.

AMBIVALENT-MAN. (SLOWLY, AS THOUGH ADDRESSING A LARGE CROWD) On the one hand, on the other!

XAVIER POSITION. Ambivalent-Man - he's escaped with all the bank's money! You have to untie me and stop him!

AMBIVALENT-MAN. Maybe.

XAVIER POSITION. What?

AMBIVALENT-MAN. Well for all I know you might be the robber and that chap who just ran out of here might be the bank manager. He might have overpowered you and tied you up before going to return the money to wherever it's kept. If I untie you and you are the robber, you might knock me out and steal the money off him, but if I go after him and he's the robber then he'll just say he's you and I won't know who anyone is. Quite frankly I've only got your word that there's even been a robbery here. I'm going home. Or I might go back to the Ambivalent-Cave.

PAUSES IN INDECISION.

XAVIER POSITION. You can’t do that – I AM the bank manager.

AMBIVALENT-MAN. Well you never can be too sure of these things – of anything for that matter. As I nearly always say why do today what you can still be thinking about tomorrow?

XAVIER POSITION. You’ve got to take action! Do something! This is an outrage.

AMBIVALENT-MAN. That may well be. Or not. All we can know is that doing nothing will almost always lead to nothing and that in itself is at least certain. Off to the Ambivalent Cave! Perhaps.

NARRATOR. And so once again, wherever there are important decisions to be made, there will always be...Ambivalent-Man!

MUSIC TO FADE.