Unstoppable Man

I was thrilled to have a sketch performed by friends at Cession today. The brief was to write a super hero sketch about living life to the fullest. The recent addition of a morning service means they actually gave it two performances!

Original script follows...

TELEPHONE NEXT TO CHAIR. IT CAN BE A SUPER-MODERN LOOKING PHONE, OR A VERY OLD-STYLE CANDLESTICK PHONE WITH A DIAL. IDEALLY IT WOULD HAVE A COLOURED FLASHING-LIGHT, AND MAKE A SYNTHETIC BEEPING NOISE FOR A RINGTONE, SO THAT IT LOOKS LIKE A SUPERHERO’S EMERGENCY HOTLINE. THE SUPERHERO’S LOGO SHOULD BE PROMINENTLY ON THE PHONE TOO.

UNSTOPPABLE MAN - AN OLD MAN WITH A GREY BEARD, GLASSES AND DRESSED IN A SUPERHERO COSTUME - SHUFFLES ON SLOWLY WITH A ZIMMER FRAME. HE CAREFULLY SITS DOWN, AND FINALLY ANSWERS THE PHONE.

UNSTOPPABLE MAN. (SLOWLY) Hello? Emergency super hero hotline? Unstoppable Man speaking.

THE CALLER IS JENNIFER, WHO IS YOUNG, FEMALE AND HELPLESS.

JENNIFER. (TERRIFIED) Unstoppable Man – thank goodness! The entire world is in dire peril! We NEED...

UNSTOPPABLE MAN. (INTERRUPTING) Dire peril, ay? Weh-hell, I’ll see what I can do. Who is that calling please?

JENNIFER. It’s Jennifer from the Daily Atom, but I’m calling because the entire world is being inv...

UNSTOPPABLE MAN. (DELIGHTED) Jennifer! Oh, little Jennifer Barton from the Daily... newspaper, why I remember you from when you were only so high. How are you, Jenny?

JENNIFER. I’m fine, except that the entire world only has minutes to live! We’re all about to have our...

UNSTOPPABLE MAN. (CHUCKLING) Oh, minutes to live, ay, why I haven’t heard those words since the year 1947, when Adolf Hitler’s identical twin brother had injected himself with Xenon radiation and was threatening to blow up Portugal. Why, that was an adventure, I can tell you. I was all tied-up next to the ticking neutron bomb, when suddenly I remembered that I had an aerosol canister of anti-neutron bomb spray in my back pocket. But – disaster! – there was no way that I could untie my ropes to get to it in time!

BEHIND UNSTOPPABLE MAN, AND UNSEEN BY HIM, A WOMAN RUNS PAST SCREAMING IN TERROR, AND BEING CHASED BY SOME SORT OF ALIEN (CAN JUST BE SOMEONE IN A MASK) WAVING A SLUG AT HER. THE ALIEN LAUGHS EVILLY AS HE CHASES HER.

JENNIFER. But Unstoppable Man, we’re being invaded by aliens who are going to suck mankind’s brains out and replace them all with super-intelligent slugs!

UNSTOPPABLE MAN. (SUDDENLY TAKING NOTE) What! What did you say?

JENNIFER. I said - we’re being invaded by aliens who are going to suck mankind’s brains out and replace them all with super-intelligent slugs!

UNSTOPPABLE MAN. Did you say “we’re being paid by the Australians to get all our change out and waste it all on huhu-repellant drugs”?

JENNIFER. NO! Super-intelligent SLUGS! We’re being INVADED by ALIENS who are going to SUCK MANKIND’S BRAINS out and replace them all with super-intelligent SLUGS! Unstoppable Man, you’re our only hope! You’ve got to DO something!

UNSTOPPABLE MAN. Super-intelligent SLUGS! Well I never. Just what will they come up with next? Well, you go off and have fun with your sluggy friends Jennifer, it was really nice of you to call, but I have to go now and warm up the television for today’s edition of Weakest Millionaire Or No Weakest Millionaire. They’re showing the Brazilian version this afternoon, I understand. But you be sure to call me again some time, and I’ll show YOU just how super-intelligent THIS old slug is, heh-heh-heh! Goodbye!

JENNIFER. But –

UNSTOPPABLE MAN HANGS UP, AND EXAMINES HIS NEWSPAPER.

UNSTOPPABLE MAN. Now then, what day IS it today...?

BEHIND HIM, THE ALIEN RETURNS AND APPROACHES HIS SKULL WITH A SLUG.
FADE TO BLACKOUT.