THE GUEST HOST

Hello. As regular readers will be aware, I’m actually not on Earth right now, so for this post only, Krusty The Klown is here to offer his own unique brand of observational philosophy. It has nothing to do with ratings.

THE VORSPRUNG DURCH TEKNIK

It seems to be that if you're taking a five year mission, if you're exploring strange new worlds and new civilisations, if you are boldly going where no man has gone before, the first thing you're going to want to think about is carrying a lot of spare parts.

I mean, you get a brand new car, drive it off the forecourt on the day it's delivered, five will get you ten you're back there within a month because there's a dink in the wheel arch or the oil light is flickering or something. And, no matter how little you drive it, no matter how careful you are, you're back at the garage after two years for an MOT to prove the vehicle's still roadworthy.


Now, the Starship Enterprise - this isn't a pony and trap, friend. This here is a multi-billion dollar spaceship. If something goes wrong on that baby, you're not going to fix it with an elastic band and a strategically placed hairnet. But, Captain Kirk and crew are going where no man has gone before.

... It seems unlikely to me that they have Enterprise dealerships where no man has gone before. It's all foreign spaceships out there - Klingon Birds of Prey, Nebuchadnezzars and TIE fighters. You take the Enterprise to a local dealer out there, they don't even know how to open the hood.

I figure most of the Enterprise is taken up by spare parts. There's, like, three whole floors dedicated to "just in case". That's where they're storing all the crew members in the red shirts that you've never seen before tonight's episode of Star Trek. One dies on an alien planet thanks to a wrathful Greek god, a psychic child or a robot Gestapo agent, they just wheel out another red shirt guy from deep freeze. They keep them next to the jack and the spare tyre.

This may sound harsh, but it's all about being practical, and, when you're thousands of light-years from home, practicality is the only thing keeping you alive, buddy. You hook up a Romulan FTL drive in an Enterprise ship, the whole system overheats - they just don't get along. It's what technicians call a "tech wha...?!"

You can read the continuing blog of Krusty The Klown at http://www.klownkrusty.blogspot.com, or just click on the picture of the petrifying klown above.