The Connection - Alliance Music

It seems that back in 1996 I was mug enough to both pay for, and spend an hour listening to, an advert.


This card-covered CD sampler cost £1.00 in the UK for 16 complete Christian songs, one from each of 16 different albums.

In fairness, also attached were 16 £1-off coupons.


Had I decided to go ahead and purchase all 16 CDs, or cassettes, then this sampler would have represented quite a saving. (provided that I had spent them all before the expiry dates on the back of 31.12.96)

However fourteen years on, whenever I try to recall the experience of actually listening to this CD, I find that I can remember only one of its 16 ditties. One absolutely vomit-projectingly awful track that I just gave up half way through.

I mean, I never do that. I always stick these things out. I've sat through The Star Wars Holiday Special three times!

Anyway, aside from using it as backing music to a slide-show evening that I got together in 2003, I never let this disc see the light of a laser ever again.

Until this morning when I cranked-up the DVD-player (unthinkable back in '96) to give the whole thing another chance.

Although it's a sampler, I played every song all the way through, but did make a note of how far I was through each track when I first checked how much time was left. Except for on the first one, as I was still coming up with the idea then. Hardly a positive attitude I know, but that's the cruel world of reality blogging for you.

So, welcome to Christians Had Talent - where, by the end of this post, just one of these 16 tracks will have beaten the other 15 into submission by going around in my head for the rest of today.

Sadly, there's also a loser song in here somewhere, which will emerge as the one which made me wince so much all those long years ago.

So, let's meet our 16 hopeful contestants...

1. Field Of Souls - Wayne Watson
2. Revolution - The World Wide Message Tribe
3. Flood - Jars Of Clay
4. Glorify The Lord - Jessy Dixon & the Chicago Community Choir
5. So Help Me God - DC Talk
6. Out Of The Darkness - Re: Fresh
7. Gravity - Out Of The Grey
8. Alone In The Presence - Ce Ce Winans
9. Everything Changes - Iona
10. Love - Imagine This
11. Two Sets Of Jones - Big Tent Revival
12. The City Of Peace - Adrian Snell
13. True Devotion - Margaret Becker
14. Remember Your Chains - Steven Curtis Chapman
15. Simple Things - Tony Vincent
16. Be Encouraged - William Becton & Friends

Who will win, and who will lose? There's only one way to find out, right after these messages.

(INSERT LOCAL ADVERTS HERE)

Ready? Here we go!

1. Field Of Souls - Wayne Watson


S'okay. Maybe a bit long for an opening track.

What do you think, Simon Cowell?


Cowell: "I think this whole post is a stupid idea. The 28th of February was six weeks ago now. Why don't you find a hobby you can keep up to date at?"

Yes, thank you Simon, and thank you for your analysis. (SOBS)

2. Revolution - The World Wide Message Tribe


Dance music. At this early stage, it actually moved me to put on some headphones. (prior to that the DVD had been playing through the TV - also unthinkable in '96) Checked the time at 2:30. Not bad, I liked this. A bit barmy.

3. Flood - Jars Of Clay


Nice music, but such lifeless monotone singing. Much of it is a song with only one note. Checked the time at 0:57. And again at 2:01. And 2:37. And 3:19. Oh, please, make it stop now, newbie.

4. Glorify The Lord - Jessy Dixon & the Chicago Community Choir


This accomplishes every expectation that the title and artists' names suggest. It's hand-clapping, shoulder-triangling, throat-OWing gospel-music, much of which is rendered sadly unintelligible due to giving the instruments all the close microphones.

(We've got to Lift him up)
We got to lift him up
(Jesus!)
Lift him up!
Lift him up!
(Owww!)

(I had to wonder if they'd dropped him...)

0:48. But I mean, who doesn't like gospel music?

5. So Help Me God - DC Talk


One of those rare groups who I have actually seen perform live. (at Greenbelt 1990, since you ask) There they blew me away with their unique ability to perform a rap number that I actually liked! Here they've astounded me again. The entire track sounds like an old Philips compact cassette throughout. The dynamic range sounds appropriately narrow, it's distorted, and it quite literally wows. (I assume this copy was taken from the CD) Amazingly, despite all these self-inflicted handicaps, I noticed my foot was swinging up and down to it. I never looked at the clock.

6. Out Of The Darkness - Re: Fresh


Probably not an arrangement of the old movie of the same name, instead it's another dance / rave number. This sounds so repetitive and 1990s, these guys might just be 2 Unlimited-Lite. The track's energy-levels certainly suggest little sugar-content.

You know
That faith shows
You've lifted me
Out of the darkness
You know
That faith shows
You've lifted me
Out of the darkness
Out of the darkness
Out of the darkness
You lifted me
You lifted me
You lifted me
You lifted me
Out of the darkness
You lifted me
(You lifted me)
You lifted me
Out of the darkness
You lifted me
(You lifted me)
You lifted me
Out of the darkness
You lifted me
You lifted me
Out of the darkness
You lifted me
(fade-out)

I tell you, it was as though the CD itself was thanking me for finally playing it again.

For some reason in my notes I have written the two contradictory comments "foot swinging" and "going to sleep". I never quite looked at the clock. That could go either way, couldn't it? Well, let's be positive and assume that I liked it. My foot obviously did.

7. Gravity - Out Of The Grey


Nothing to do with UFOs, unless we're talking about time-travel. This one certainly transported me back in time, specifically to the 1970s. This time my swinging foot was joined by my lips mouthing along. Despite these good signs, 1:46 and 2:43.

8. Alone In The Presence - Ce Ce Winans


I think this was the point when the CD started to get the better of me, or maybe I actually mean the worse. I first looked at the clock at 0:39. I second looked at the clock a mere eight seconds later at 0:47. At the lyric "Your will clearly shows" I let out a Krusty-esque groan, and picked up a comic to read for the rest.


Heh-heh, that was funny. What's the time now? 2:11. Spent the rest of this in the comic book. Doctor Who And The Star Beast part one to be precise. Dave Gibbons' art is excellent as ever, turning the newsreader character into a believable Angela Rippon. Mills & Wagner's script is more comical than usual, but it works. Beep the Meep comes across in his first appearance as comedically cute, and I like that.

This might just be the way to knuckle down for the rest of this disc. Yes, of course that'll be unfair on all the other artists.

Sorry CeCe. Apparently just not my thing.

9. Everything Changes - Iona


Okay. No opinion. A bit haunting maybe. What clock? Don't distract me - the Wrarth Warriors have planted a bomb in the Doctor's stomach! They want to use him to blow-up that nice Meep! "Meep! Meep!"

10. Love - Imagine This


Funky from the outset, I liked this immediately, despite the lyrics sounding like some jilted lover laying-into their crazy cheating ex.

"I never knew
The ways that you could be
And I never dreamed
The things that I could see
And I never felt
The way I feel right now
And I never knew
That you lived in the clouds.
Mm-hmm-hmm…"

"But now I know...

That your love is everywhere
Like a song in the air
Your love is everywhere I go
Whoa!
Your love is everywhere
Like a song in the air
Your love is everywhere I go
All the time.
Mm-hm-hmm.
I'd never seen
The faces you could wear..."

11. Two Sets Of Jones - Big Tent Revival


ARGHH! This is the track I just couldn't stomach last time!

Surely preaching to the converted, it's the tale of two couples, one of whom placed their faith in Jesus, and the other of whom didn't. Well, guess what happens.

Not so much a straw-man argument, more of a straw-marriage one. 0:16. I never looked at the clock again - I had my hand over my face in despair throughout, and was literally shaking my head at the end. I don't know what the opposite of evangelism is, but this might be it. Unvangelism maybe. Don't ever let a non-Christian hear this. Don't let any divorced Christians hear it either.

Happily married Christians? They might like it, but I'm not sure it'll promote humility.

Lyrics here.

(it doesn't include all his smug crooning "Lie-de-die, lie-de-die, lie-de-die, lie-de-die" at the end)

Eurghh…

12. The City Of Peace - Adrian Snell


Urgh. (Y'know "urgh"? Doesn't quite make it to "eurghh"?) Straight back to the comic. Sorry Adrian, but you were up against a really good reprint. BTW I think your song's title - "The City Of Peace" - would make a good Doctor Who story-title too.

Heh-heh, K-9's been reprogrammed to think that he's a cat.

13. True Devotion - Margaret Becker


This sounds like 1991. Specifically, December. In an okay way. It also turns out that the Meep is evil, while the Wrarth are actually the good guys. The Doctor's still not too keen on blowing-up though.

14. Remember Your Chains - Steven Curtis Chapman


I've written nothing down. Nothing. Not even the track number. I do remember the evil Meep turning humans into zombies to help it repair its spaceship.

15. Simple Things - Tony Vincent


"1980s." That's it.

16. Be Encouraged - William Becton & Friends


It's the final track of the CD, and my notes aren't looking good. I seem to have written simply "2:53", "4:37", "4:48" and "4:53". I'm guessing that it ended sometime around the 5:00 mark. Does this mean that I'm not one of William Becton's friends? But I can't even remember why…

Overall, being a publicity album, I suppose they probably put the arguably best tracks at the start, figuring that the early ones would get listened to more and stand a greater chance of generating sales.

On the plus side, the Doctor fiddled with the Meep's star drive, saving everyone and indirectly causing it to be taken into intergalactic custody. He's even had the bomb removed from his stomach. K-9 still thinks he's a cat though. So, the CD hasn't been a total waste.

I guess I should round-off by noting here that, in maybe 14 years, I've never bought a single one of the albums being advertised here.

That's all very well, but which is the track that I can't stop humming?

Well, now that I've had a good eight hours sleep, I can confidently reveal which one of the sixteen songs has been repeatedly going around in my head today.

Yes, The Two freakin' Jones. Yes, that's the same one that I disliked the most as well. Hey - that's the music industry for ya, kid.

Y'know, although it still annoys me, it's a catchy little number. I like the realisation of the line "and the rains came down." And the stark imagery of the lyric "One set of Joneses was standing that day." Maybe I should have listened to it a little more?

Lie-de-die, lie-de-die, lie-de-die, lie-de-die…

(with thanks to Herschel for the comic)